Blondes Fishing

These two blondes went fishing. They rented a boat and rowed out into the middle of the lake. They were doing really well-pulling fish in left and right for about 3 hours. One blonde even had to go rent another boat to hold all the fish they were pulling in!!!

“Mark this spot somehow,” one blonde said to the other. “I would like to fish this well again, this seems to be our lucky spot!” she said beaming. The other blonde smiled proudly and replied, “already did, when you went for the second boat!” “Cool!”

So the blondes continued for another couple hours. After that, they got tired, so they turned in the boats and packed up the fish. On the way back to their shared apartment one blonde said curiously, “How’d you mark the spot?”

“I put a BIG ‘x’ mark on the bottom of the boat!”

The other blonde smacked her in the back of the head.

“You idiot!” she exclaimed. “What if we don’t get the same boat?”

The Talking Baby

There was a mom, a dad, a doctor, and a new born baby.

Well, the doctor was holding the baby when the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my daddy?”

The doctor replies by saying, “No, but I can take you to your Daddy.” The baby said, “O.K.” and the doctor took him to his Daddy.

When the baby was in his Daddy’s arms, the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my Daddy?” The father said, “Yes, I’m your Daddy.” Then the baby poked him in the head again and said, “Did you screw my Momma while she was pregnant?” The daddy said, “Yes, yes, I did.” The baby poked him in the head again and asked, “Is this annoying?” The Daddy said, “Yes, it is annoying.” The baby said, “Well, you kept poking me in the head and you know what was worst?” The dad asked, “what?” The baby spit in his dad’s face and said, “you kept spitting in my face!”

The Blonde That Couldn’t Kill Herself

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

A Dog’s Normal Day

1. Rise at 5:30 and Wet-nose the master.

2. Go you and Pee on the world.

3. Make Poopy.

4. Sniff Poopy.

5. Seriously consider eating poopy.

6. Eat funny looking bug instead.

7. Throw up bug parts on living room rug.

8. Drink out of ‘magic well’

9. Sleep for 17 hours. Start process over.

(Optional: 10. Roll around in filth and lavish master with kisses.)

Hungry Calf

There were these two guys who went fishing, one guy got stung by a bee. “Damn”, he said, “every time I turn around I get stung.” The other guy says, “hell, you could tie me to that tree down there naked and I would never get stung.”

The other guy took him up on it and tied him to a tree naked. He walked back up threw the pasture and crossed the fence and went to the next bar. A couple of hours later the guy remembered his friend he rushed back and he was slumped over out cold.

The guy says, “hey, wake up did ya get stung? did ya get stung?”

The guy was pissed, “NO, YOU son of a bitch doesn’t that calf have a mother?????”

Liverwurst

There was a butcher who lived right on top of his store and one night he heard some wierd noises and tip-toed downstairs and saw he 19-year old daughter masturbating with some liverwurst.

So he went back up stairs shaking his head. The next day a woman asked for some liverwurst and the butcher said they had none. She pointed to the liverwurst hanging and the butcher said “that’s my son in law”.