A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant in the Midwest. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift. No, thanks, says the plant manager. I tried smoking a cigar once and I didn
The Blonde Waitress
The Tax Man
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him.
“So rabbi tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”
“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it back to us.”
“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the drippings?”
“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”
“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”
Wearily, the rabbi replies, “We send them to the city as well.”
“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”
“Today they have sent you to us.”
The Presidents In OZ
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
Money Jar
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It
Yuppie, Dink, and Wife
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The one guy says, “I’m a YUPPIE…ya know…Young, Urban, Professional.
The second guys says “I’m a DINK…ya know, Double Income No Kids.”
They asked the woman, “What are you?” She replied….”I’m a WIFE…ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.”
Golf Lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!”
“Well, what should I do?,” asks the man.
“Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breast.”
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.”
“What can I do?” asks the wife.
“Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s penis.”
The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft.
“That was great,” the pro says with a straight face. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you’re supposed to!”
Redneck Letter From Mom
Dear Redneck Son–
I’m writing this letter slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved.
I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: Last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother…
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Saudi Punishments
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
“I’m a cop”, says the first man.
“Then we will shoot your penis off!,” said the Sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
“I’m a firemen,” said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!,” said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”
And the third man answered, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”
Milk Blonde
This blonde heard that milk baths would make you beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”
The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath.”
The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”
The blonde said, “No. Just up to my breasts.”