Genie, a Man, and A Lawyer

A guy finds a magic lamp, rubs it, and out comes a Genie. The Genie gives the man 3 wishes, but ads the caveat that whatever he wishes for goes twice for lawyers.

“I wish to have 10 million dollars,” the man says. The Genie grants his wish and gives double the amount to all lawyers.

“I wish for a loving, sexy, beautiful woman who is eternally devoted to me.” The Genie grants his wish and gives two such woman to all lawyers.

After some pause the man begins to smile. Intrigued, the Genie asks,”What is your final wish, my Master.” The man replied, “I wish to donate a kidney.”

Lawyer Car Accident

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my new BMW!!!”, he shrieked.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!”

“Oh my Gaaad….”, replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been. “We gotta find it. It has my Rolex???!!!!!”

Math Quiz

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:

“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”

A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.

“No, no, no, let’s try again,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. Tell me how you came up with that. “It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.”

“Well,” she says, “it’s not technically correct, but, I like the way you think.”

“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. “There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle’s. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?”

“Well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“No,” the boy says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think.”

45 Fun Elevator Activities

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Shave.
7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say “Oops!”
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space””
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

Clinton in Hades

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates of Hell he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full but he will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace for eternity.

Before Clinton appears three doors. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich being worked over with a blow torch.

“Oh my!” Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh his skin being stripped off with a pair of pliers.

“I don’t think so.”, Clinton insists!

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!”, Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”