Loose Living

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his news paper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked. “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow men.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Tiger Puzzle

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says: “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks, “What is it a puzzle of?”

The blonde says, “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”

“Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Heavenly Balloons.

Little Johnny walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless. “Mommy, mommy, what are those?” he asks pointing to her breasts.

“Well, son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.”

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later…

While his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. “Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!,” he says. “What do you mean?” asks his mother.

“Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!”

White House Affairs

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.”

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”

Hillary just shook her head. Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”

Miscommunication Between Women and Men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

Santa is Quitting

T’was the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits.
They want the impossible–those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo’s–NO request for them.
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

Santa

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice.. “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for awhile…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”

Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”