Q: How were epileptics greeted in roman times?
A: “Hail, seizure”.
Fix It
Q. What do you call to fix a broken toe?
A. A toe truck!
10 dollars is Alot
John and Linda went to the annual state fair. There was a booth in which a pilot gave you a ride in a real plane and did flips for you. A REAL plane. So John told Linda he wanted to go on the ride. But Linda said, “John, it costs 10 dollars for 2 people. 10 dollars is 10 dollars.”
The next year they came back and the ride was still there. John asked Linda hopefully but Linda replied, “10 dollars is still 10 dollars.”
The next year they went to the fair again and the ride was still there. John and Linda had the same talk as the past two years, “Ten dollars is ten dollars” Linda said for the third time. The pilot of the plane overheard the conversation. He went to them and said, “I’ll tell you what … I’ll give you that ride for free if you promise not to say anything while the plane is in the air or else it will still cost you ten dollars…”
John was excited. The pilot did flips and turns and dives in the air for John and Linda. They didn’t say a word. Finally, the pilot landed. He turned to John and said, “I tried everything I could but you didnt say anything … your ride is free.” John replied, “I was going to say something when linda fell out of the plane … but 10 dollars is 10 dollars …”
Three Friends Stranded in the Desert
Once there were three friends stranded in the desert because their car blew up. They were deserted for two months with nothing to eat but their own shoes and hair. Once they were completely bald and barefoot one of the guys tripped over a magic lamp.
“LET’S EAT IT!” said the 2nd guy.
“YES, YES LET’S EAT THE YUMMY DELICOUS LAMP.” said the 3rd guy.
“WAIT! Are you guys nuts?!” asked the 1st guy.
“Yes, why?” they both replied.
“WE WILL BE SWIMMING IN HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS BECAUSE THIS IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE A GENIE IN IT!”
“YEAH HOT DOGS AND CORN NUTS!”
They rubbed the lamp.
“WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU FOOLS?!?” the genie yelled.
“Wishes sir”
“Okey dokey. You get one wish each.”
1st guy: I WANNA GO HOME
2nd: TAKE ME HOME
3rd: I’m bored I wish all of my friends were back here with me.
Race to the Ground
Three guys are in a plane and are going skydiving. The first man jumps and pulls the string for his parachute. The seocnd guy does the same, pulls his string after jumping. Both of thier parachutes open. The third guy jumps and pulls his string but for some reason the parachute doesn’t open. He falls toward the ground at about eighty miles an hour. He passes the second guy who is floating peacefully with his parachute open. The second guy looks at the third guy and says surprisingly, “Oh, so you really wanna race?” And he takes off his parachute.
Ranks of Importance
One day at a meeting, the manager of a large corporation asked his employees what the most important part of the body was. One replied the heart, you would die if it stopped beating. One guy said the brain, it helps your body to function. Then the boss said, you’re all wrong, its the asshole. It makes sure whatever is not needed any longer is gotten rid of.
Pay Attention
First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, “In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.
“Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, “The second important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now pay attention.”
The Road and the Chicken
Q: What do you say when someone calls you ugly?
A: You say, “at least I have a face that can be ugly, rather than that hunk of crap I’m looking at right now!”
Why we make fun of Aggies
A man was driving home from college station to visit his family. He was listening to the radio and was getting fed up with all the Aggie jokes he was hearing. Then, out of the corner of his eye he saw an Aggie in the middle of a corn field rowing a boat. Upset with the jokes from earlier, he pulls his car over and screams out the the Aggie in the boat, “It is Aggies like you that make us look stupid and starts all those damn jokes. And if i could swim I would kick you ass!”
French Cuisine
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
After the waiter arrives the man says, “I’LL have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak.”
The waiter replies “But monsieur … what about ze mad cow?”
The man replies, “She’ll have a salad.”