Gay Bob

Gay Bob goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Bob, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”

Bob is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”

“Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of

Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”

Bob asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”

Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”

The Horny Trucker

There’s a trucker in Florida and he has a truckload of metal pipes to deliver to California in two weeks or less. Well, he’s been a trucker for so long that he knows it will only take him a week. So he calls up his boss and asks if he can stop in Pueblo, Colorado to see his wife for an evening. His boss replies, “No. Get the pipes to Cali and I’ll give you a weeks paid vacation to be with your wife.” He hangs up. “Dammit!” Then he thinks, “Well, maybe if I juggle my log a little, I can stop and see her without him ever knowing. So he hauls balls across the states, gets to Pueblo and stops at his house. He silently unlocks the door and enters. He creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom. Then he slides under the covers and starts eating her out. She’s moainin’ and groanin’ and tossin’ all over. She orgasms and he goes down stairs and makes himself a sandwich. Just as he takes his first bite, his wife walks in and says, “Shh! Your mother’s asleep upstairs.”

Walk It Off

There’s a coach on a football field during a game, and a player comes up to him, “Coach, I sprained my ankle.”

“Walk it off!”

“Coach, I’ve pulled a muscle.”

“Walk it off!”

“I dislocated my shoulder!”

“Walk it off!”

“I’m in labor!!”

“Walk it! Oh, sorry honey!”

I Hate Candy

A teacher was talking to her class about how unhelthy candy is. One little kid raised his hand to make a comment.

“Yes Timmy” the teacher said.

“I hate candy” the kid said.

“Have you ever eaten candy?” The teacher asked?

“Yeah” the kid said. “But, when I ate one of those little mints in the stand up toilets, I decided to never eat candy ever again.”

Tiger Woods

One evening, a young couple is in a hotel room and they are about to consumate their marriage. Just as they’re about to do it, the new bride stops the husband and says, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”

The husband replies, “Well, in this day and age, that’s pretty common, so it doesn’t really matter. By the way, who did you do it with?”

She replies, “Tiger Woods”.

“The golfer?”, he asks. “Well, he’s rich and famous, so I can see why you went to bed with him.”

They do their thing, then the husband reaches for the phone. “Who are you calling?” asks the wife. “Room service, I’m hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that” the wife replies teasingly. “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” They repeat the act and the husband reaches for the phone again. “Who are you calling?” “Room service, I’m still hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” The husband sets down the phone, slightly irritated, and they do it one more time. The husband reaches for the phone. “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah?” “He’d do it one last time.” The husband angrily slams down the phone, and they do it one more time. He reaches for the phone. “Are you calling room service?” “No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”