Your Momma’s so fat, she doesn’t have crabs, she has lobsters!
Your Old Mom
Your mom is so old, she went to prom with Fred Flinstone!
Ten Things Men Know About Women
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10 Women Have Boobs
I Hate Candy
A teacher was talking to her class about how unhelthy candy is. One little kid raised his hand to make a comment.
“Yes Timmy” the teacher said.
“I hate candy” the kid said.
“Have you ever eaten candy?” The teacher asked?
“Yeah” the kid said. “But, when I ate one of those little mints in the stand up toilets, I decided to never eat candy ever again.”
Casper and Michael Jackson
Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?
A: Ones pale and scares kids the other ones a friendly
ghost.
Tiger Woods
One evening, a young couple is in a hotel room and they are about to consumate their marriage. Just as they’re about to do it, the new bride stops the husband and says, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “Well, in this day and age, that’s pretty common, so it doesn’t really matter. By the way, who did you do it with?”
She replies, “Tiger Woods”.
“The golfer?”, he asks. “Well, he’s rich and famous, so I can see why you went to bed with him.”
They do their thing, then the husband reaches for the phone. “Who are you calling?” asks the wife. “Room service, I’m hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that” the wife replies teasingly. “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” They repeat the act and the husband reaches for the phone again. “Who are you calling?” “Room service, I’m still hungry.” “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah, what would Tiger do?” “He’d get back in bed and do it one more time.” The husband sets down the phone, slightly irritated, and they do it one more time. The husband reaches for the phone. “Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah?” “He’d do it one last time.” The husband angrily slams down the phone, and they do it one more time. He reaches for the phone. “Are you calling room service?” “No, I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”
Tobbaco and 2 Hobos
There was a guy on the train that had to go to the bathroom. He asked the train conductor where the bathroom was. The train conductor replied that there wasn’t one. So the guy stuck his butt out the window to do his business.
At the same time there were these two hobos walking near the tracks. The poop flew and hit them both in the face. One hobo said to the other, “What kind of tobacco
is this?” The other hoboe replied back, Who knows but did you see the size of that guy’s cheeks?”
Your Momma’s So Dumb …
Your momas so dumb that when I told her that it was chilly outside she went and got a spoon.
Rule of Life
A madam opened the brothel door to see Joe; a rather slight, slick looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman standing there.
“May I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want to see Natalie,” Joe replied.
“Sir, Natalie busy right now. Besides she is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…”
“No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie appeared and explained to Joe that she charges $1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, Joe reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which Joe calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts … it was still $1,000 a visit. Again, Joe took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later he left. When he showed up on the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned Joe: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
Joe replied, “I’m from Maryland.”
“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know”, said Joe. “Your father died and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
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MORAL – Some things in life are certain:
Death
Taxes
Being screwed by an attorney.
Nice Ass
An eldery couple were siting on a bench in a park when a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt were passing by. The old man was looking at her legs and even the ass that could be seen because of the unusual short skirt she was wearing.
The old woman (his wife) said: What are you looking at? You like her ass ha?
No, the old man replied, I was looking at her shoes.
Oh yeah, said his wife, OK what color were the shoes?
The old man caught in the middle replies: The ass’ color?!!