The Grounded Conductor

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?”

Tom says: “I would switch one train to another track.”

“What if the lever broke?” asks the inspector.

“Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there”, answers Tom.

“What if that had been struck by lightning?” challenges the inspector.

“Then,” Tom continued, “I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“In that case,” Tom argued, “I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station”.

“What if that had been vandalized?”

“Oh well,” said Tom, “in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo”.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

“Because he’s never seen a train crash.”

God Created Women First

… And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young.

God spoke, saying to Woman,

“Woman, I have created thee first as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?”

And Woman spoke, “Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, feet, legs, eyes, … etc. I do not need but two breasts.”

And God said, “Thou speaks wisely, as I have given you wisdom.”

There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done. Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand.

Woman asked, “Lord, what are we going to do with this useless boob?”

And so it was, God created man

The Penis Poem

My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes.

Ahhh … Dating

Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he’d like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

“Is this your husband?” he inquires nervously.

“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.

“Your boyfriend then.”

“No, don’t be silly,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.

“Well, who is he then?” demands the bewildered fellow.

Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, “That’s me before the operation.”

Hounded Out

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Sultan and Rested

Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had 6 children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him American Airlines.

Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theaters, where he watched all his favorite cartoons.

Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.”

Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him Microsoft.

The Painful Tooth

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

The Taxidermist

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”