Boys & Girls

“Equal” is not always synonymous with “the same.” Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she’ll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he’ll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you’re driving there.

3. Boys’ rooms are usually messy. Girls’ rooms are usually messy, except it’s a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn’t care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy’s makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy’s makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they’re too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long – not because they look nice – but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they’ve watched “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

Cream of Weight

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?”

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”

All In The Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Esprit de Hard Corp

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?”

“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces.”

“Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?” asked Gates.

“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.”

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!”

“Yes, but we use Windows,” replied Peter, “and the Titanic only crashed once.”

Sheep Blonde

There was this blonde and she was driving back from the beauty parlor, where she just had her hair dyed black, when she saw a sheep herder and sheep in the middle of the road. She pulled over and said to the sheep herder, “If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock can I take one home?” The sheep herder being a betting man said, “Yeah sure

Panda Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished.

As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.

Why the heck did you do that?!” The bartender yells. As he was walking out the door the panda turned around and said: “I’m a panda, look it up.” And he leaves. So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary. After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for “panda.”

It says: “PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Interview Rejection

The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply:

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of May 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Furniture Business

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady … she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

No Bull

One day on a ranch, a cowboy Dad looks at his daughter up and down as usual to check up on her body. He notices how her feet pointed in and at how she couldn’t walk regular any more. Then it comes to his understanding she’d probably lost her virginity.

The father asks his daughter sternly. She replies “Yes” to losing it. The father madly asks, “Who was it?!! Timmy, John, Greg, or that screwed up child Andy?!!! I don’t want you to give me any bull sh*t either.”

The daughter looks into his eyes and says sofly,”I lost it while riding the mechanical bull. And that’s no bull.”