Sneezing Disorder

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs. The man isn’t sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can’t believe what he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says “Three times you have sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs … What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?”

The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says “Black Pepper”.

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Travelling Salesman

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t allow animals.”

In desperation, the man popped into the men’s room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright.

He answered, “Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn’t bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway.”

“But sir,” said the stewardess, “Why do you look so ill?”

“Well, apparently the darned thing isn’t weaned yet.”

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats!

Learning About Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”

“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”

First Day of School

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

Saying, “I Love You”

Impress your sweetie. Try saying “I love you” in a different language each morning:

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t’aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arizona, and Kentucky . . . Nice Tits