First Day of School

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.

So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

Saying, “I Love You”

Impress your sweetie. Try saying “I love you” in a different language each morning:

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t’aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arizona, and Kentucky . . . Nice Tits

Too Old To Breastfeed

Signs your son is too old too breastfeed.

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to “Dueling Banjos.”
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

Need More Tail

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”

The father yelled back, “Screw You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, … and you told me to go fly a kite!”

The Slap of Luxury

An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. “Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the man in the Rolls.

“Of course I do” was the haughty reply.

“Do you have a fax machine?”

The Rolls driver sighed. “I have that too.”

“Do you have a double bed in the back?” the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.

That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.

A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the MG’s rear window. “I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed” bragged the Rolls driver.

The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”

Department of Obfuscation

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in application for support:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Nones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. Please find for certain if my husband who is missing is dead.

8. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

Titanic

There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as … Sinko de Mayo.

Only in America …

1. Only in America … can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America … are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America … do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America … do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America … do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America … do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America … do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America … do we use the word “politics” to describe the process so well: “Poli” in Latin meaning “many” and “tics” meaning “bloodsucking creatures.”

10. Only in America … do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.