Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me, we got ’em all.”
The New Manager
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.”
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me, your predecessor for everything”.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government for everything”.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare four new envelopes”.
Five Story Hotel
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
Baby’s First Smell
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell honey!”
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, All I can smell is … molasses.”
The Blonde and the Cop
One day a blonde in a red corvette was driving down a road swirving all over the place. A cop saw her and pulled her over.
He said, “Miss, may I please see your license and registration?”
“What’s that?” said the blonde.
“Well, one you keep in your glove box and the other you keep in your wallet.”
“Okay.” After looking around for a while, she finds them and shows them to the cop.
“Will you please step out of the vehicle?” said the cop. He then draws a line on the sidewalk with chalk. He says, “Get in that circle and don’t get out until I tell you to.” So she gets in the circle and he starts looking around in the car. He accidentally dents it and she laughs.
He says,”What you think that’s funny?” She just keeps on laughing.
So he goes over and kicks the door to make an even bigger dent. She laughs even harder. So then he goes over to all the tires and pokes them with his pen to flatten them. She kept right on laughing. So, not knowing what she was laughing at, he goes over and smashes all the windows. She laughed longer and harder. He says,”My God! What’s the matter with you? I just wrecked your whole car and your laughing!”
The blonde says, “What you didn’t know was, the four times you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle.”
Ransom
One day there was a blonde in need of money. So she went to a playground and kidnapped a kid. She pulled him over by a tree and told the kid that she was holding him ransom for $10,000. She wrote a note that said she wanted $10,000 in a paper bag tomorrow by the tree. She put the note on the kid and sent him home.
The next day, sure enough there was a paper bag there by the tree. Inside was the $10,000 and a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
Pickle Jar
Q: Why don’t blondes ever eat any pickles?
A: They can’t get there head out of the jars.
Given The High Hat
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and steal a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Reverend, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
Two Nuns
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other known as Sister Logical (SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: Okay.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right?
SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
Drunk With Power
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”