The reason for dogs to exist is simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that will look at you and think you are the single most important thing in the universe … that depends on you for food, water, love … that is eager to do anything so that they can get approval …
The reason for cats to exist is also simple …
Everyone needs at least one creature that has no such illusions … that will look at you and see you for exactly how very unimportant you are in the scheme of things …
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”
Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”
Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”
Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”
Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.
Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.
Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”
Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.
Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”
Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.
Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”
Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”
Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.
10. Viagra, The quicker dicker upper
9. Viagra, One-a-day, like iron
8. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight
7. Viagra, Home of the whopper
6. Viagra, It plumps when you take ’em
5. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
4. Viagra, Tastes great, more filling!
3. Viagra, Ten inches long … and growing.
2. Viagra, We work harder, so you don’t have to!
And the number one slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
CLINTON VIRUS: Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS: Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS: Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS: (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think “we go on”).
DISNEY VIRUS: Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}.
PROZAC VIRUS: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCO VIRUS: Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”
“I was out getting a tattoo.”
“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”
What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”
“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales also. What do you sell?”
She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.
“No, I won’t.”
“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you.”
Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A happy pit bull.
All the pottys have been stolen from the federal building. The police are gathering data but they’ve nothing to go on.
A young woman brings her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man, so the father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man. “I am a Torah scholar,” he replies. “A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father. “I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”, and the father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
A fire starts inside a chemical plant, and the alarm goes out to fire departments for miles around.
After crews have been fighting the fire for more than an hour, the company president approaches the fire chief and says, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine crew that brings them out!” Several crews try, but none can get through.
Suddenly a hook and ladder filled with a volunteer squad of men over 65 comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other firefighters watch, unbelieving, as the old-timers hop off their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president beams as he walks over to reward the volunteers. “What do you guys plan to do with the money?” he asks after he writes them out a check.
The old guy who drove the engine looks him in the eye and answers, “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the d#@* brakes on that truck.”