Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”
Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”
Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”
Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?
If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”
Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.
Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.
Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”
Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.
Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”
Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.
Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”
Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.
Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”
Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.