Name of the Bar

One day, three guys were sitting at a new bar in town and they were broke and couldn’t buy a drink. So the bartender says, “If you can guess what the name of the bar is, I’ll give you a free drink tomorrow morning.”

So the first guys says, “The Best Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The second guys says, “The Worst Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The third guy says, “Lucy’s Legs?” and the bartender says, “Yeah, how did you know?” and the guy says, “Just a lucky guess.”

So the next day the guy was sitting outside the bar and a policeman comes up and says, “Why are you out here?” and the guy answers, “I’m waiting for Lucy’s Legs to open so I can get a drink.”

Stripper’s Accident

A stripper, in a hurry to get home, leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper, sending her flying into the air and landing unconscious on her back, with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper’s crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver, hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about. Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, “Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!”

Special Occasions

My mother taught me to read when I was 3 years old (her first mistake).

One day I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping napkins in the bathroom. Didn’t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts she told me that those were for special occasions.

Now fast forward a few months. It’s Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for Dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. You guessed it! When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn’t hang off the edge.

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. “But Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!”

Hotdog Pilot

A young guy in a two-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hotdog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hotdog said over the air, “Anything you can do, I can do better.”

The veteran bomber pilot answered, “Try this hot-shot.” The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hotdog asked, “So? What did you do?”

“I just shut down two engines, kid.”

Newly Married Rednecks

This redneck couple from up in the country get married. The new wife tells her husband, “I have a secret to tell you … I’m a virgin.”

New husband goes stomping out of the room and goes home to tell his parents what happened.

His Dad says, “Good for you son, you did the right thing. If she is not good enough for her family she is definitely not good enough for ours.”