California Cow

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn’t.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.

Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

Yo Mamma

Yo mamma is so fat she stepped in one side of the mall and came out the other side.

Yo mamma is so fat she stood up and said I found Nemo.

Yo mamma is so poor i saw her kickin a can down the street i asked her what she was doin she said, “I’m moving”.

Yo mamma is so fat she uses aircraft carriers for waterskis.

yo mamma is so stupid she tried to drown yo gold fish.

Yo mamma is so fat she was walkin outside with a raincoat on and someone passed by and said “Taxi!Taxi!!”

Yo mamma is so old she sat by Jesus in the third grade.

Yo mamma is so old her social security number is 1.

Geography of Women

Between the ages of 16-17 a woman is like Antartica. They are cold and undiscovered. Yet, No one wants the trouble of getting there!

Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Just Spell

A man died and arrived at the pearly gates where St. Peter waited for him. St. Peter said, “Okay, you’re already cleared to go into heaven, you just have to pass one simple test.”

“Okay,” said the man.

“All you have to do is spell the word love”

“Oh, that’s easy. L-O-V-E, ” said the man.

St. Peter replied, “Okay well you’re good to get into heaven, but do you think you could do me a favor and cover my job for a bit while I run a few errands? All you’ll have to do is when someone comes ask them how to spell love.”

“Sure,” said the man.

St. Peter left to run his errands and sure enough someone arrived at the gates. It was the man’s wife. The man asked his wife what she was doing here and how she died.

“Well,” she said, “I was really depressed when you died and I just didn’t see any point in living without you, so I thought I’d kill myself and come spend all of eternity with you.”

“Sure, honey,” said the man, “all you have to do is pass one test.”

“Okay, what do I have to do?” said his wife.

“Just spell the word, ‘Chrysanthemum’.”