Cinderella at Age 75

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you 3 wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is taken aback, overjoyed and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:

“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I was young and full of the beauty of youth again”.

At once, her wish having been desired, became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage had returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, “You have one more wish, what shall you have?” Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man”.

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leant in close to her ear, and into her ear breathed as much as whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my bollocks chopped off now, don’t you?”

Flight Crew Comments

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee … “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane …”

2. Pilot-“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee … “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry … Unfortunately none of them are on this flight …!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought The aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

17. “Hello folks. This is Flight 607 to Fresno … … … Fresno? Who wants to go to Fresno?”

A Bud Lite?

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam … I know what the K-Y is for … and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the BEER for?” At that, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door flung it door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dam*it, nurse! I said a BUTT light!

How to make a Horse Laugh and Cry

Back in wild west days, men gave great attention to their horses’ states of mind. Some had horses that they believed could laugh or cry, depending on what was said to them. A saloon operator was one of these. He was able to make his horse “Jason” laugh or cry on occasion. People around town heard about this phenomenon but didn’t believe the bartender could actually bring it off.

So the bartender, tiring of their criticism, staged a contest in which he offered a generous reward to anyone who could make his horse laugh and cry: $1,000 to anyone who can make Jason laugh; $5,000 to anyone who can make Jason cry. He posted the notice in his bar and waited.

One day a stranger rode into town, bought himself a drink, and read the poster with interest. The stranger was known as a “horse whisperer” and he apparently had powers to communicate verbally with horses. So the stranger entered the contest, paying his five dollar fee and retiring to the stable out back to try to make Jason laugh. Pretty soon, several townspeople who were witnessing this attempt shouted with excitement. The stranger was making Jason laugh his head off. The bartender saw this happen, and declared the stranger the winner.

Then the stranger asked the people to step aside while he took Jason around the corner, in his effort to make Jason cry. In a moment, Jason was heard to make horrible sobbing sounds, and the townspeople who witnessed this were filled with admiration for the stranger, as was the bartender, who heard Jason crying and ran to witness the act. The stranger won both prizes, and was proud of himself.

So the bartender treated the stranger to a nice drink in his saloon, but had to ask the obvious question. “How did you make Jason laugh?” The stranger replied, “I whispered in his ear the following: ‘My dong is bigger than yours.'” Jason burst into spontaneous laughter.

“But how did you make Jason cry?” asked the bartender.

“It was easy,” said the stranger. “I took him around the corner out back there and showed him my dong.”

Smokin’ Ladies

Two old ladies are standing outside smoking together when it begins to rain. One of the women pulls a condom out of her purse, snips off the tip, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second old lady is very impressed and asks where to get one.

“It’s a condom,” the first old lady replies. “You can buy a box at any drugstore.”

So the next day, the old woman goes to the drugstore and tells the clerk she wants to buy a box of condoms. The clerk eyes her strangely, but thought what the heck, every age group is allowed a little fun. He then proceeds to ask her what size she needs.

“Oh, I don’t know …” the old woman says. “As long as it fits a camel, I’ll be happy.”

Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, “May I borrow a highlighter?”

2. Say, “Uh oh, I knew I shouldn’t put my lips on that.”

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, “Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”

5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh sh*t! My glass eye!”

6. Say, “Da*n, this water is cold.”

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, “Now how did that get there?”

9. Say, “Humus. Reminds me of humus.”

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa Easy boy!”

11. Say, “Interesting … more sinkers than floaters”

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?”

13. Say, “C’mon Mr. Happy! Don’t fall asleep on me!!

14. Say, “Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.”

15. Say, “Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?”

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicuously lay down your “Cross-Dressors Anonymous” newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peek-a-boo!”

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing “Born Free.”

Pregnant

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

“Sir,” she said, “I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I’ll bust.”

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, “But confidentially, I changed cocks.”

The newly pregnant woman responded, “Confidentially … me, too.”

Meeting the Pope

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel — it was great!

They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?

Half-a-Head

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Blonde Rider

A blonde decides to try horse back riding, even though she’s had no lessons nor prior riding experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into action, galloping along at a steady and rhythmic pace.

The blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grasp. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse to get to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over.

She is mere moments from passing out when the Wal-mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.