Ten Items of Fruit

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in … but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … 7 … 8 … on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied, “I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!”

Nursery Rhymes

Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon a parking lot
As I eat my girlfriends twat.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn’t meet her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he’s GAY.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
An licked her asshole clean.

Eenie Meanie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next block.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
all wrinkled and hairy.

Newlyweds

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married, and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down to eat. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. His mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat.”

The grooms young brother said “Mommy, I think …”

“Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal, and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was silenced by his mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said “Mommy I think …”

“Well, what is it that you think?!?” asked his mother, rather irritated.

“I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”

Ya mama

Ya mama is so fat she has to use a mattress to wipe her butt.

Ya mama is so ugly she looked out the windows and got arrested for mooning.

Ya mama is so fat she uses a mattress for a maxi-pad.

Ya mama is so ugly when she went in a haunted house she came out with application.

Blonde Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the examination paper for five minutes, then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour. But I’m rechecking my answers.”

Gotta Love Blondes

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”

The Blonde said, “So what, we’re going to be the first on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”

What’s The Nail For?

A farmer is giving his blonde wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

“That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I’ve hung a nail by the right stall so you’ll know which one I want him to impregnate.”

Satisfied that his blonde wife understood the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the ‘Inseminator’ arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail.

“This is the cow right here,” she tells him.

“What’s the nail for?” the guy asks.

Replies the wife, “I guess its to hang up your pants.”