Most Functional Word

“The Most Functional Word ”

Well it’s Shit …….. That’s right, Shit!

Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.

Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,
buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shine. There are lucky shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit you can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit, or take a shit. You can be happier than a pig in shit, or you can find yourself in deep shit.

Some days are cold as shit, some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.

You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes every thing you touch turns to shit. And others times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!

Tell people about this shit, if you give a shit.

WalMart Urinalysis

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars … a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor.”

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to Walmart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant…twin girls. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
and
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

Quit While You’re Ahead

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!

But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.

Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.

With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left … then to the right … right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says …

(wait for it)

(it’s coming! )

(Ya ready?)

(don’t hate me)

(take a deep breath)

“He should have quit while he was a head!”

Blonde and the Breath Test

One day a cop pulled over a blonde for speeding. When he got to the car he asked for her license. She said “whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your wallet.” Then he asked for her registration. She said “Whats that?” The cop said “It’s in your glove department.” When the cop reported her in the cop at the station said “Walk up to her and drop your pants!” So the cop walked up to the blonde and dropped his pants. Then she said, “Ahh no not another breath test!”

The Man and his Farm

There was once a man who owned a farm. One day, he decided to buy some animals for his farm. He went to the animal mall.

He spotted a chicken. He said to the owner, “I would like to buy that chicken.” The owner replied, “Its called a poulet (prounounced pull-it)” The farmer bought it, and then went to a rooster shop. The owner said, “Its called a cock, not a rooster” so the owner bought that too. On the way home, he saw a man selling a donkey. He said, “I would like the buy that donkey”, but the man said, “the correct term is ‘ass’, not ‘donkey'”, so the farmer bought the ass also. The seller quickly added, “once in a while, give him a scratch behind the ears, he likes that.

The farmer then said, “alright, would you please hold my cock and poulet while I scratch my ass?”

Dumb Tennessian

One day Alabama, Nebraska, and Tennessee football players had to ride together to California to go to a football conference. On the the way there, their car breaks down right beside Death Valley and they had to walk the rest of the way.

About an hour later they see a news van coming down the road, they try to wave it down, but instead of stopping and offering them a ride they get out and start filming them! They followed them for God only knows how long when finally stopped them and started interviewing them, they asked them what they brought with them to survive in the desert.

They asked the Alabama player he said, “I brought a gallon of water so I wouldn’t dehydrate.” They thought that was pretty smart.

They asked the Nebraska player what he brought and he said, “I brought a pack of bologna so I wouldn’t starve.” They thought that was pretty smart too.

They asked what the Tennessee player what he brought with him and he said, “A car door.” “What did you bring a car door with you for!?” He replied, “So I can roll the window down if I get hot … Duh.”

Easter

John L. Smith marries Sara H. Goldberg, after the wedding ceremony they go to their honeymoon suite. They both get undressed with Sara expecting incredible wedding night bliss.

John says, “I can’t do it tonight, its still Lent.”

Sara replies, “Oh my God, to whom and for how long.”

Sunday Sex

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “and if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”