Smart Blonde

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?”

The Blonde replied, “Where else in New York, can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?”

Blonde with Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again … for no reason.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”

The brunette says, “Oh sure … but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, … “Don’t you have a vase?”

Bread or Chicken

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord – it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, your eminence?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

Speaker Phone Remedy

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insists on listening to their voice-mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I had my wife call his phone when he wasn’t there and left this message: “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn’t want me to come over there and spank you, would you?”

That was the last time I heard *that* particular speakerphone!

Blonde in the Mirror

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie … *poof* … you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Soooooo …

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”

*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive”. *Poof* the mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *Poof*

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.” The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.” So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

Drunks

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too.” The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk, “That will be $45.” The drunk said, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him.

The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender — “Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself too.” The bartender thinks, this guy can’t be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says, “That will be $50.” The drunk says, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him again.

The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, “What not one for myself?” To which the drunk replied, “Hell no, you get too mean when you drink.”

Timbuctu

W.B. Yeats and William Shakespease both died on the same day and went to heaven. St. Peter met them both at the pearly gates and said, “Lads, I’d love to let the two of you in today but we have had a very busy week and we only have one space left inside.” The two looked at each other in disbelief and Peter continued, “We are going to have a poetry competition to see who gets in, but the poem has to contain the word timbuctu.” No sooner had he finished when Shakespeare puts up the hand and says:

“As I was travelling across foreign sands
From afar I spied a spec of blue
As I approached I saw I caravan
Its destination was timbuctu”

Peter was clapping his hands and Shakespeare was almost in the gate when Yeats says, “Hold on I’ve got one.”

“My dog Tim and I a hunting went
We spied three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

Chapped Cowboy

The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy stranger.”

“Howdy sheriff.”

The old cowboy then walks to the rear of his horse, lifts the tail and plants a big kiss right where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the porch and aimed toward the swingin’ doors of the saloon.

The sheriff says, “Hold on mister. Did I see what I thought I just saw?”

“Reckon you did sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.”

“And that cures them?”

“Nope, but it keeps me from licking them.”