How to Handle Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Alternately, you can tell them, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died …” When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your problems.

3. If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male:

Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with XYZ Company …”
You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, “What are you wearing?”

5. Cry out in surprise, “Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends … would you be my friend?”

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?

9. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can’t sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh my God!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”

The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Now you know how I feel!” Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the telemarketer you are on “home incarceration” and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the telemarketer, “Okay, I will listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I’m not wearing any clothes.”

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up … louder … louder … louder …

20. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Bigger Breasts

A lady wanted to have bigger breasts, so she went to her doctor to get a referral to a plastic surgeon. Her doctor said that he would like her to try an exercise before surgery or drugs and see how that works first. He stands up to demonstrate, holding his arms straight out to the sides, rotates them counterclockwise, and says, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The doctor has her try it, telling her to do it as often as she can and to come back in another week.

One week later, she went back to the doctor’s office. She told him that it didn’t work. The doctor asked her how often she did the exercise. She said that she did it four to five times a day. The doctor told her to do it more, 30 times a day at least. He told her to come back again in one more week.

She tries this, performing the exercise whenever she can.

One day, as she waited to check out at the Supermarket, she started her exercise. “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if I do this enough, I’ll have a big bust.” The man in front of her turns around and asks her if she sees Dr. Johnson.

“Yes, how did you know?” she queries.

The man faces her, places both hands on his hips, moves his hips in a circular motion and says … “Hickory dickory dock …”

Magic Black Sponge

One day a young 5 year old walked into the bathroom while his mother was getting out of the shower, and saw her nude. Quickly she covered herself with a towel, and the boy asked: “Mommy, what was that hairy black thing?”

His mother replied: “Honey, that’s my magic Black sponge.”

Later that day, the young boy walked into the kitchen and asked his mother to show him the magic black sponged again, but she replied that she lost it. About ten minutes later the boy came running back to the kitchen yelling, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I found your Magic Black Sponge. Dad is cleaning it with his face at the neighbors house!”

Cat Bath

Please forward to cat lovers everywhere who, like myself, are very concerned about their hygiene.

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “powerwash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no living creatures between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

Not Enough Golf

A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He’s not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn’t wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it’s late and that he has to get home.

He says to his secretary, “Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud.” Puzzled, the secretary complies.

When the man gets home about 9:30 his wife confronts him and asks him where he’s been. The man says, “I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home.”

The woman looks down at his shoes and says, “You lying bastard, you’ve been out playing golf again!”

Three Blonde Men

Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don’t know how to get across.

The first man prays to God to make him smart enough to figure out how to cross the river, so God turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims across.

The second man prays to God to make him even smarter, so God turns him into a dark-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

The third man prays to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

Week of Golf

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day.

First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she’s very attractive. He’s interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together.

She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn’t have a car. All in all it’s been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning’s company and competition and says she hasn’t enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. “In fact,” she says, “I’d like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.” He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he’s ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He’s actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other’s company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day.

This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can’t agree to this. He can’t work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason. “You see,” she tearfully sobs, “I’m a transvestite.”

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. “I’m sorry,” she repeats.

“You bastard,” he screams, red in the face, “You cheating bastard. You’ve been playing off the red tees all week!”

Presidential Rescue

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidentally tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below. Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore. He was so thankful that he told each of them, “Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserves a reward.”

The first boy says, “I want to go to Disneyland!” “I’ll take you there myself!!!” exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, “I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordan’s.” “I’ll buy them for you myself,” says Bill.

“And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers” the third boy says. The president looks at the boy and says, “But son you don’t look like you are handicapped to me.” The boy says, “I’m going to be when my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!”