A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can.
The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about two inches from the hole.
As they walked up to the green the Pro said, “Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.”
The man said, “Why didn’t you say that when we were on the tee.”
Q: Why is golf called “golf”?
A: Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Golfer, about 140 yards from the green, asks his caddy: “Can I get home with a nine iron?”
Caddy: “Eventually.”
First Golfer: ” I was playing with Harry Schwartz yesterday. He was hitting the ball so badly that on the 12th hole — you know, the water hole — he really blew it. Throwing his clubs into the lake, he jumped in after them shouting “I’m going to kill myself”.
Second Golfer: “What happened?”
First Golfer: “Nothing … He couldn’t keep his head down.”
Guy comes to a water hole and only has two balls left — an old one and a new one. Naturally, he tees up the old ball.
A voice from above booms: “Pick up the old ball … tee up the new ball.”
He picks up the old ball, tees up the new one and gets ready to swing.
The voice from above is heard again: “First, take a practice swing.” Guy takes a practice swing.
Voice from above: “Tee up the old ball!”
Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver?
A: A bad golfer goes whack, “CRAP”, a bad sky diver goes, “CRAP”. whack!
A good ‘ol boy businessman found himself in the same foursome as Ben Hogan at a pro-am. After watching Hogan hit a four iron to a par three of some 190 yards and having it check abruptly not 10 feet from the pin he saunterd over to Ben and put his arm around his shoulder.
Unaware of Hogans rather surly demeanor and sharp wit he asked how he, Hogan, had managed to hit this remarkable shot and if he too could learn how to do it.
Hogan turned after removing the man’s arm and asked him just how far he hit HIS four iron. The ‘ol boy replied quite happily that he could manage about 150 to 160 yards whereupon Hogan uttered, “Then I see no reason as to why you would NEED to learn that shot.” and turned on his heel and walked away.
One day the golf pro at the club was playing golf with three members and on the first tee the first member hits a big hook into the woods on the left and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”
The next member gets up and hits a big slice into the water on the right and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”
The last member gets up and hits a worm burner down the middle and turns and ask the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”
The member gets irate and says, “Look pro, Bob hits a hook and you say LOFT, Bill hits a slice and you say LOFT, and I dripple it down the middle and you say LOFT. What is this LOFT?”
The pro says “LOFT, you know, Lack Of Frigging Talent.”
This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can’t resist toting up the value of the coins.
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’ve found $1999.99 up your bum.”
“Hmmm,” replies the patient, “That would explain why I’ve not been feeling too grand …”
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts, “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?”
The first guy replies, “Well, I’m f*cking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair.”