I’m So Pissed Off

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”

“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.

“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her God damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”

“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.

“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.

“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”

“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”

“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My God damned forehead!”

“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.

“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”

The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!

Melissa and Jimmy

Jimmy Fuck had recently found out about sex and wanted to try it on his friend Melissa Pee. He went to her house and asked if he could have sex with her and she said, “No.”

So, the next day he went to her house with her favorite cookies, chocolate chip, and said to her, “I’ll give you this whole batch of cookies if you let me have sex with you.”

She said, “Well I guess so.”

So he procedes to have sex with her, when just then Melissa Pee’s mother walks in. She starts yelling and says, “Melissa Pee!”

She replies, “I can’t, I can’t!”

Her mother screams again and says, “Jimmy Fuck!”

He yells back “I am, I am.”

Little Johnnie in Grade Three

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnnie.

As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnnie, however, did extremely well he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnnie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnnie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.

Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

Sex Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” said the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

I need a …

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

I have to Urinate

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”

Horse Ride

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘The Act.’

Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !”

English Lessons

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”

Miss Rogers: “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

School Grades

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an “F” in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6.’”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.

“That’s what I said!”