Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner?

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken’s buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”

Mutual Trust

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

Daddy and Aunt Jane

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a “Passionate Embrace.”

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND …” Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So, Little Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy …” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

Sperm Count

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

Uncle Frank

Saturday morning … Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So, Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mummy near the phone?”

“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”

After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”

“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!”

“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”

“Okay, Daddy!”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”

“And what happened?”

“Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my god … And what about uncle Frank?”

“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”

There is a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?”

Restroom Signs

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men!
-Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.
-Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die.
-Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.
-Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
-Armand’s Pizza. Washington, DC

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?”
-Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
-The Irish Times. Washington, DC

In a washroom in Ann Arbor, Michigan someone wrote:

My mother made me a homosexual.

Under this, someone scrawled: If I got her the yarn, would she make me one too?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
-The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
-Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
-Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
-Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If you voted for Bill Clinton in ’96, you can’t shit here … your asshole is in Washington.
-Blind Pig, Ann Arbor,Michigan.

Please refrain from throwing toothpicks in the toilet!
Remember: CRABS CAN POLE VAULT!!!!!
–Washroom wall on I-81.

Make love, not war. – Hell, do both, get married!
-Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
-Revolution Books. New York, New York.

A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it.
-Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested?
-Men’s restroom, American University. Washington, DC

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
-Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington,D.C.

Watch out for Gay Limbo Dancers
-Inside toilet stall door, Men’s restroom, Country Club, San Francisco.

Express Lane: Five beers or less
-Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Phoenix, AZ.

You’re too good for him.
-Sign over mirror in Women’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
-Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s. Beverly Hills, Califronia.

I saw you take a shit. Now put it back.
-Anonymous

Expensive Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.

He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne … the works.

Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”

“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

Not in Heaven

A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.

He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.”

The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter … and second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you?”

The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

“Mary … Mary …”

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil …

The Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here … You a drinking’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer … we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you’re already dead!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

The Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yes

The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!

Guy: Wow!

The Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want … blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever … If you lose your shirt … who cares!

Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: You don’t mean …

The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great all the drugs that your want! Who cares … you’re dead!

Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!

The Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

The Devil: Ooooh – you’re gonna hate Fridays …