Cell Phones

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, “Oh, that’s the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?”

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. “A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!”

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. “What on earth are you doing?!” asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies “Waiting for a fax.”

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Taking all these things together, he became widely known in India as a: “Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

Jesus in a Bar

An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar.

“Is that Christ our Lord?” he asks the bartender.

“Yes it is,” the bartender replies.

“Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too” the Irishman responds.

They’re sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in and orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus.

“Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?” he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in the affirmative. “Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too,” the Italian offers.

Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. “Gimme a cold one, bartender,” the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, “Hey, is that God’s little boy? Get him a cold one too.”

Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them. He touches the Irishman’s shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow’s leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.

Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian’s back straightens for the first time in his life.

Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away. “Don’t touch me!” he screams. “I’m on disability!”

Saddam and Clinton

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam’s chair has three buttons on the armrest.

They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Clinton’s chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin.

Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.

Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. “We’ll continue this talk next week in the White House” says the President.

Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton’s chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing … really loudly.

After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.

Saddam doesn’t get it – what the hell is happening here? But he hasn’t been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn’t, he’s rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.

Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: “I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad”

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) – “Baghdad? … What Baghdad?

Japanese Banking

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

Get it in Cider

Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his Mom is fixing dinner.

“Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks Little Johnny.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”

“No thanks, just the cider.”

“Well, sure,” responds Johnny’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider.

The mother complies with Johnny’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks Johnny’s mother questioningly.

“Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”

Henry Ford in Heaven

Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.

“Name?”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Occupation?”

“Inventor.”

Peter consults his clipboard.

“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”

Ford finds the right door and goes in.

It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.

Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.

“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”

“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”

“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”

“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”

Adam considered this for a while.

“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”

The Hills

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Crazy Bats

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2:00 in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied, “Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?”

The first bat said, “I know just the place, come and I’ll promise you I will find us some blood!”

The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour had past and the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn’t go said “You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?” to which the first replied – “Do you see that tree over there?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he replied

“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!!”