Performance Evaluations

These Quotes were taken from actual Federal employee performance evaluations:

“I would not allow this employee to breed”

“This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won’t-be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets his personal standards low, and consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

“This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

“A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

“He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

“He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

“I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

“He’s been working with glue too much.”

“He would argue with a signpost.”

“He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

“He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

“When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

“If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

“He has a photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”

“A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

“Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

“Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

“Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

“If she were any more stupid, she’d have to be watered twice a week.”

“If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

“If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

“It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.”

“Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

“Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.”

“The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Penis Request

The penis request a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
-has to work hard;
-has to work at great depths;
-has to work upside down;
-has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
-has to work in a high humidity environment;
-does not get weekends and holidays off;
-does not get time off after extra hours of work;
-has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied
For the following reasons:
-does not work 8 hours in a row;
-does not answer immediately to all requests;
-does not have a degree;
-after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
-show no fidelity to the workplace;
-retires too early;
-does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
-does not leave the workplace clean, after finishing work.

Don’t Raise Hogs

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Famous Last Words

“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.

“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s.

“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”

“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.

“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.

“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.

“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.

“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.

“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981

Nose Picking Glossary

THE KIDDIE PICK … When you’re by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there’s no time limit!

CAMOUFLAGED KIDDIE PICK … When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.

FAKE NOSE SCRATCH … When you make believe you’ve got an itch but you’re really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

MAKING A MEAL OUT OF IT … You do it so furiously, and for so long, you’re probably entitled to dessert.

SURPRISE PICKINGS … When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurtling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

AUTOPICK … The kind you do in a car, when no one’s looking.

PICK YOUR BRAINS … Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

PICK AND SAVE … When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don’t catch on to what you did.

PICK AND ROLL … No explanation needed.

PICK AND FLICK … Ditto.

PICK AND STICK … You wanted it to be a “Pick and Flick,” but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

PAYDIRT … The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

Jewish/Taiwanese Pilots

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo … Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tries to correct him,

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

The F.O. replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah … all same.”

Armed Robbery

Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 A.M.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, “33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Well there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an “armed robbery” but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, “Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

Indian and the Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was walking on the street, when he saw an old Indian sitting on the side with his dog, his horse and his sheep. He thought it would be good idea to have a little fun with that Indian.

So he went to the Indian and asked him:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words with your dog?”

– “Dog doesn’t talk!

So the ventriloquist said to the dog:

– “Hello, how are you doing? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, He gives me enough food every day, walks with me every few hours, and he often plays with me!”

The Indian was very astonished. Then the ventriloquist asks:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your horse?”

– “Horse doesn’t talk!”

So he says to the horse:

– “Hello! How are you? Is your master treating you well?”

– “Oh yes, he gives me enough food, rides me every day and gives me a nice warm place to sleep.”

The Indian is completely stunned.

Then the ventriloquist says:

– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your sheep?”

– “Sheep lies!”