Blonde GUY

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too.” The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”

Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.

At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”.

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

Why It’s Good To Be A Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator, it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll, it’s pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend’s/husband’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous; guys look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We’ve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance policy.

12. We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks. Free dinners. Free movies. You get the point.

14. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we’re gay.

15. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE’RE gay.

16. We know THE TRUTH about whether size matters.

17. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

18. If we have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, we’re not the devil.

19. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

20. If we’re not making enough money, we can blame the glass ceiling.

21. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

22. It’s possible to live our entire lives without ever taking a group shower.

23. No fashion faux pas we make could rival The Speedo.

24. We don’t have to fart to amuse ourselves.

25. If we cheat on our spouses, people assume it’s because we’re being emotionally neglected.

26. WE never have to wonder if HIS orgasm was real.

27. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

28. We can congratulate our team-mates without having to ever touch her ass.

29. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

30. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

31. If we’re dumb, there are still people who will find it cute.

32. We don’t have to memorise Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

33. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

34. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

35. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

36. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

37. Our friends won’t think we’re weird if we ask whether there’s spinach in our teeth.

38. Gay waiters don’t make us uncomfortable.

39. We’ll never regret piercing our ears.

40. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

41. We’ll never discover we’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.

42. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

43. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

Drinking Guide

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

Chinese Wedding Night

Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”

“I wanna numma 69”, she replies.

He looks at her very puzzled and says, “You wanna beef wit broccorri?”.

Meeting the Family

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!”

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.”

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life that counts but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others-they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the nag, the philanderer, the fuck-up, the missing one will be there for “you.”

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

Things Men Know

Men know that Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Men know that PMS is Mother Nature’s way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know that there are at least three sides to every story: his, hers, and the truth.

Men know never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know that cats are evil and cannot be trusted.

Men know how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get pissed off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know that the reason men don’t like cats is because they don’t know how to cook them.

Men know that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Tracy …

Men know that it’s never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.