Doctor Visit

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely ie: “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do
this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.

Big Shot in the Hospital

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. “No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer.”

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room. “What’s going on here?” asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” After a pause, the doctor confesses, “Well, no. I guess I haven’t.”

“Not with a carnation anyway.”

Hiking Pays

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300,” he asked.

“Easy, Dad,” little Johnny replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on Johnny,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” Johnny replied. “Every night you were gone, Mom’s boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Breakfast after 50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say

Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

Doctor’s Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

“I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Six Shots of Jagermeister

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want six shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “Six shots! Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

Some Actual Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

Stupid People

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry, we’ve done everything we could but he pulled through.”

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

I just finished my first book. Now I am going to read another one!

I told my kid, “Some day you’ll have children of your own.” He told me, “So will you!”

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, “No, but I got the license plate number.”

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.