Elevator Chat

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks
the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said “Turn around.”

Coma Sex

A man was visiting his wife in a hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife, so the doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.”

Sexual Statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”

Hotel Bump

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”

Gambling Blonde

There’s a blonde at work one day and she decides that she is thirsty. She goes to the soda machine, drops in her change, pushes the button, and the soda falls out.

She does this three or four more times. The guy standing behind her, wondering what the hell she’s doing finally asks, “Excuse me, but what are you doing?”

The blonde replies, “Duh, Winning!”

Polish Sausage

A Guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, “I’d like some Polish Sausage.”

The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you polish?” The guy says, “Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?”

The clerk says, “Well, no.”

The guys says, “WELL, why do you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”

The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store.”

Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following:

1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.

Or something.

Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Toothbrush Invention

Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee.

Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”