Pet Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I will open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

Doctor’s Appointment

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

“I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Six Shots of Jagermeister

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want six shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “Six shots! Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.”

“Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.”

“No offense, sir. But if six shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing will.”

Some Actual Signs

In the front yard of a funeral home, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck, “Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop, “Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a nonsmoking area, “If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door, “Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door, “Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office, “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window, “We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window, “Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence, “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership, “The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop, “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium, “Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room, “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room, “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company, “We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

In a Beauty Shop, “Dye now!”

On the side of a garbage truck, “We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.” (Burglars please copy.)

In a restaurant window, “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

Stupid People

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m sorry, we’ve done everything we could but he pulled through.”

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once, when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said, “I don’t know kid, there are so many places they can hide.”

On Halloween, parents send their kids out looking like me.

I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!

I just finished my first book. Now I am going to read another one!

I told my kid, “Some day you’ll have children of your own.” He told me, “So will you!”

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, “No, but I got the license plate number.”

My wife’s not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.

Elevator Chat

A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks
the small guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small guy says, “Excuse me but what did you say?”

The big dude looks down and says, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said “Turn around.”

Coma Sex

A man was visiting his wife in a hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit, he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this, she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife, so the doctor suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

Pickle Factory

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”

“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.” “Yes, I did.” “My God, Bill, what happened?”

“I got fired.”

“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?” “Oh…she got fired too.”

Sexual Statistics

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to a gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?”

He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”