Q: What do they call “Hee Haw” in Tennessee?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: “Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.”
One for the Ladies
Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like … Computers … Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like … Coolers … Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like … Curling irons … They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like … Government bonds … They take so long to mature.
Men are like … Horoscopes … They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like … Lawn Mowers … If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.
Men are like … Lava lamps … Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like … Mini skirts … If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like … Cement … After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like … Plungers … They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like … Laxatives … They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like … Parking spots … The good ones are already taken and what’s not is handicapped.
Hello …
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”
Redneck Defense
Q: What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
A: “Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”
Tennessee Hotel
Q: How do you know when you’re staying in a Tennessee hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “go ahead.”
Bubba with 911
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
“There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
Good ol’ Boy vs. Redneck
What’s the difference between a good ol’ boy and a redneck? The good ol’ boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
Single Guy Holiday
Q: Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Bunny Love
Q: Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.
Men’s Phrases and What They Really Mean
“I’M GOING FISHING”
Translated: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“IT’S A GUY THING”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.
“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Translated: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“UH HUH”, “SURE, HONEY”, OR “YES, DEAR”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN”
Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.”
Translated: “I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.”
“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD”.
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES”.
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I’m hurt.”
“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING”.
Translated: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Translated: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Translated: “What did you catch me at?”
“I HEARD YOU.”
Translated: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next three days yelling at me.”
“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Translated: “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”
“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Translated: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Translated: “I make the messes, she cleans them up.