A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
Gambling Blonde
There’s a blonde at work one day and she decides that she is thirsty. She goes to the soda machine, drops in her change, pushes the button, and the soda falls out.
She does this three or four more times. The guy standing behind her, wondering what the hell she’s doing finally asks, “Excuse me, but what are you doing?”
The blonde replies, “Duh, Winning!”
Polish Sausage
A Guy goes into the store and asks the clerk, “I’d like some Polish Sausage.”
The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you polish?” The guy says, “Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or, if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German? Or, if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?”
The clerk says, “Well, no.”
The guys says, “WELL, why do you ask me if I’m Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?”
The clerk says, “Because this is a hardware store.”
Ugly Children
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.
Fruitcake Recipe
You’ll need the following:
1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something.
Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Toothbrush Invention
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”
Hee Haw
Q: What do they call “Hee Haw” in Tennessee?
A: A documentary.
Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: “Life Styles of the Rich and Famous.”
One for the Ladies
Men are like … Coffee … The best ones are rich, warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like … Commercials … You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like … Computers … Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Men are like … Coolers … Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like … Curling irons … They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like … Government bonds … They take so long to mature.
Men are like … Horoscopes … They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like … Lawn Mowers … If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.
Men are like … Lava lamps … Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like … Mascara … They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like … Mini skirts … If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like … Cement … After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like … Plungers … They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like … Popcorn … They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like … Snowstorms … You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
Men are like … Vacations … They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like … Weather … Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Men are like … Department Stores … Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like … Chocolate Bars … Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like … Laxatives … They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like … Parking spots … The good ones are already taken and what’s not is handicapped.
Hello …
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”
Redneck Defense
Q: What is a Redneck’s defense in court?
A: “Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.”