If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months, I don’t like to interrupt her.
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. “What happened to you?”, asked Bill.
“Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me,” said the driver.
“My God, what did you tell them?”, asks Clinton. The driver replies, “I’m Bill Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it become her turn to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus’ first step. So, slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.
About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him…”How dare you touch my body!! I don’t even know who you are!!”
At this the Texan drawled “Well ma’am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.”
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90% … Wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffe-ring.