Tag: Story


Tiger’s Tees

Taking a wee break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drives his new Buick to an Irish gas station. The attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is “Top o’ the morning, shall I filler er up?”

Tiger nods yes and gets out of the car and two tees fall out of his pocket.

“So what are those, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.

And what would ya be usin ’em for, now?” inquires the Irishman.

“Well, they’re for resting my balls on when I drive,” replies Tiger.

“Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!” exclaims the Irish attendant. “Those fellas at Buick think of everything”.

Golfer’s Confession

On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, “I have a confession that should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

“What is it?” she asked.

“I’m a golfer,” he said. “What’s the big deal about that?” she asked.

He replied, “When I say I’m a golfer, I mean that I’ll
be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf — golf wins.”

She pondered a moment and said, “I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I’ve concealed something about my own past that
you should know about. I’m a hooker.”

“No problem,” was his response, “just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should clear right up.”

A BLONDES DEATH

There is a red head a blonde and brunette that were all three sentenced to death.

So, the soldiers all line up and they stick the red head out there. The captain says, “ready, aim, …” and the red head yells, “earthquake”. They all run and the red head gets away.

So, they come back the next day and it’s the brunettes turn to be sentenced for death so the captain for the second time says, “ready, aim, …” and the brunette yells, “tornado”. So, they all run and she gets away.

The third day they came back for the blonde’s turn to die and they got lined up and the captain for the third time yells, “ready, aim, …” and the blonde yells out, “FIRE!!”

Lawyer at a Party

A young lawyer is at a party with some of his friends when a girl comes along with a plate of chips.

The girl offers the chips around and everyone in turn takes a chip.

The girl offers the chips around a second time and again everyone takes one.

Finally the girl decides to offer the chips around a third time. Again everyone accepts until she reaches the lawyer.
“What is this!” he says, somewhat bothered “Do you think I’m some kind of food goblin?!”

Duck

Joe died.

Before entering heaven, Joe stopped at the gates. The gate master then told him that here, in heaven, there was only one rule. “Don’t step on the ducks!”

Joe nodded in agreement. This shouldn’t be too hard, right? Well, once inside the gates of heaven, Joe met two men. After conversing with them for quite some time, the three decided to see what would happen if they stepped on a duck. So one of Joe’s friends did, and as soon as it happened, two angels came down and magically cuffed the man to the ugliest woman ever. It was punishment.

A couple weeks later, Joe’s other friend suffered the same fate.

Walking along, one day, Joe was picked up by two angels and cuffed to a glorious, sexy woman who he would gladly go to bed with.

Curiously, he asked. “Why have I been hand cuffed to such a gorgeous woman?”

The woman rolled her eyes and replied.

“I don’t know, I stepped on a duck.”

How Indians get their names

Picture in your mind, an indian village. There is a fire in the middle of the camp, and several tee-pees surrounding it. Two of the villagers are sitting outside a tee-pee. A father and his son.

The son asks his father, “Father, how do we indians get our names?” His father replied, “Well, when your older brother was born, I looked outside the tee-pee, and the first thing I saw was a running deer. So your brother’s name became Running Deer. When your sister was born, early in the morning, I looked outside the teepee, and the first thing I saw was the morning star. So, your sisters name became morning star.”

There was a long pause, and then his father asked, “By the way, why do you ask such a question Two Dogs Fucking?”

Married for 50 Years

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said,

“We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say, should we get naked?” The two then stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!”

The Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas
And all throught the house
Every creature was stirring
Even the mouse
The stockings weren’t hung
They were thrown on a chair
And as for St. Nick
Nobody cared

The tree was all trimmed
With reefer and holly
And all in the house
Were drunk and quite jolly
Mom in the whorehouse
And Dad smokin’ grass
And I’d just settled down
For a nice piece of ass

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my piece
To see what was the matter

When out on the lawn
I saw a big dick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick

He came down the chimney
Like a bat out of hell
I knew in a moment
The fucker had fell

He filled all the stockings
With pretzels and beer
And a big rubber dildo
For my brother the queer

He flew back up the chimney
With a thunderous fart
The son-of-a-bitch
Blew my chimney apart

And I heard him exclaim
As he rode out of site
Piss on you all, and have a shitty ass night!!!!!

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”