Tag: Story



Politically Correct Season Greeting

From us (“the wishor”) to you (“hereinafter called the wishee”) Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all… and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2001, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that-

* This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.
* This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.
* This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.
* This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.
* The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.
* Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Savior”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Thought Your Day Was Bad?

1. Fire authorities in California assessing the damage of a forest fire found a corpse dressed in a full wet suit, complete with a dive tank, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem examination revealed that the person died not from burns but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided identification.

Investigators seeking an explanation as to how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire found that, on the day of the fire, the person was diving off the coast ~ 20 miles from the forest. Firefighters had a fleet of helicopters dropping very large buckets into the ocean, flying to the forest and emptying the water on the fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing a breaststroke in a fire bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently, he extinguished exactly 5’10” of the fire.

Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

2. A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. He was racing the engine on the cycle and somehow, it slipped into gear. He, holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass door and dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband on the floor, cut and bleeding, the cycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. She ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a hill, the wife went down the several flights of steps to the street to direct the paramedics. After the ambulance took the husband to the hospital, the wife pushed the cycle outside, got some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. The husband was treated and released.

Arriving home, he looked at the damage, became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. Finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl. The wife, hearing an explosion and his screams, ran to the bathroom to find him on the floor, trousers blown off, burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. Again, she called for an ambulance.

The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While going down the stairs, a paramedic asked the wife how the husband burned himself. She told them and one, laughing so hard, tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the steps and broke his arm.

Now that was a bad day. Feel Better?

Sam Ting Story

A man named Sam Goldberg owned a store in New York. This store almost never closed, and he and his wife never went on a vacation.

One day, the man asked his wife where she wanted to go for a vacation. She said,”But Sam, we haven’t closed the store in years!”

Sam insisted, so she chose to go to San Francisco. As soon as they arrived there on the plane, they rented a car and went to eat dinner in Chinatown. When Sam found a parking space, he noticed a sign saying, “Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food.” He became enraged and ran into the store. He called for the owner, and an old Chineese man came forward.

Sam Goldberg said to him, “Your shop can’t be named ‘Sam Goldberg’s Chineese Food’ because that is my name, and you aren’t even Jewish!”

Then the Chineese man explained how he got the name. When he arrived in America, he came up to the citizenship building and was in line after a man named Sam Goldberg. When he went to talk to the citizenship official, the official asked for the Chineese man’s name. He then said, “Sam Ting.”

Birth Pain

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

Guinness Contest

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin’ fools. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

“Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”.

The Irishman replies, “Oh … I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

Doctor’s Visit

A couple age 67 went to the doctor’s office. The doctor asked, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man said, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.

When the couple had finished, the doctor said, ‘There isn’t anything wrong with the way you have intercourse,’ and he charged the couple $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, ‘Just exactly what are you trying to find out?’ The old man said, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married so we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00, the Hilton charges $78.00, and we can do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor’s office.

Payback

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two’s hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” to which lawyer number one replies, “it’s that $50 I owe you.”

Increase the Size

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it’s not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

“How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

“Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

Sign of the Times

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed “Now cut that out! I warned you!” and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, “If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!”

Gorilla

Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can’t bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop.

When he’s done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?”, he shouts, “Wouldn’t you be? He hasn’t called, he hasn’t written …”