Tag: Story


Hounded Out

Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, “Danger! Beware of Dog” posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused. “That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

Bus Load of Nuns

They are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first Nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The Nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next Nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The nun is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of Nuns, one Nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?”

The Nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!”

The Taxidermist

A guy walked into a bar in Arkansas and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”

The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”

The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

The Painful Tooth

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. “I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,” the woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”

The dentist was quite impressed. “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”

The woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”

Washing Machine for $5

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks the salesperson, “How much is the washer and dryer?”

“Five dollars for both of them,” the sales guy says.

“Yeah right, you’ve got to be kidding me!” the man says.

“No, that’s the price,” the sales guy says, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars for the system,” the sales guy says.

“Is it stolen?” the guy asks.

“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want it or not?”

“Yes,” the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top-of-the-line computer with printer and monitor. “How much?” he asks.

“Five dollars,” the salesman says. “I’ll take that too!” the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”

The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife. What he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business.”

Hockey

Two women were at a bar. ESPN was on the television. One said, “You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.”

“If that were true,” said the other woman looking up at the TV, “then it would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!”

Hot Pooch …

Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”

“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”

One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”

Night With Two 18 Year Olds

An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!”

The priest replies, “Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?” asks the priest.

“Are you kidding,” exclaims the old man, “I’m telling everybody!”