A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, “Yum! I smell honey!”
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can’t because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, “Geez, All I can smell is … molasses.”
One day there was a blonde in need of money. So she went to a playground and kidnapped a kid. She pulled him over by a tree and told the kid that she was holding him ransom for $10,000. She wrote a note that said she wanted $10,000 in a paper bag tomorrow by the tree. She put the note on the kid and sent him home.
The next day, sure enough there was a paper bag there by the tree. Inside was the $10,000 and a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he’d go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and steal a hat from the rack at the front door.
On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.
“Reverend, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind.”
The minister said, “Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?”
My uncle responded, “No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat.”
A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
Two nuns, one known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other known as Sister Logical (SL), went in to town to sell cookies. As it was getting dark, they were returning home, but still far from the convent.
SL: Have you noticed that man following us for the past half-hour?
SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
SL: He wants to rape us. It is the logical thing.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15.2 minutes. What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is that we have to start walking faster.
SM: Okay.
SM: It is not working.
SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started walking faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I will go this way. He cannot follow both of us.
So they split up and the man decided to go after Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried because Sister Logical had not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical arrived.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! What happened with the man? Are you all right?
SL: I am fine. The logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, and you are faster, so he followed me.
SM: So, what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. I started to run as fast as I could.
SM: So what happened?
SL: The only logical thing. The man also started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And then?
SL: The only logical thing. He was faster, so he caught up with me.
SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?
SL: The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: You did? Oh, Sister. What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no!! What happened then?
SL: The only logical thing. A slow nun with her dress up can run a lot faster than a fast man with his pants down.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to copulate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens … look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon … just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you,” The young rooster says, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow, I’ll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I’m so feeble, why not give me a little head start? The young rooster says, “Sure, why not, you know I’ll still beat you.”
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what’s going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven. He shakes his head gloomily and says, “Son of a bitch … third gay rooster I bought this week!”
A very “popular” girl went to her doctor and found out that she was pregnant.
The doctor says, “I know that you are not married. Do you know who the father of this baby is?”
She thought to herself and then asked, “Doc, if you ate a can of baked beans, would you know which bean made you fart?”
Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing.
Little Johnny replied, “I’m looking at the most powerful liquid in the world.”
The Priest said, “But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a boy!”
Little Johnny said, “Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat’s butt, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!”
An elderly couple are vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into their room and says to his wife, “Notice anything different, Bessie?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Sam says excitedly “Come on Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks again, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different?”
Bessie looks up and says “Sam, what’s different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Sam yells, “And do you know why it is hanging down, Bessie? It’s hanging down because its looking at my new boots!!!”
Bessie replies, “Should’a bought a hat, Sam.”
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. 24 babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by and, to the gays delight, she points out the happy child as theirs. “Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”
The nurse says, “He’s happy now, but just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”