Tag: Story



Married 12 Times

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

“My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!'”

“My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.”

“My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.”

“My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, ‘Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.'”

“My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.”

“My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.”

“My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether or not it was his job.”

“My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.”

“My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.'”

“My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

“My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

“My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was … — God I miss him!”

“So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!”

A Bud Lite?

A man went into the proctologist’s office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam … I know what the K-Y is for … and I know what the glove is for … but what’s the BEER for?” At that, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door flung it door open and yelled to his nurse, “Dam*it, nurse! I said a BUTT light!

Pregnant

A young lady had just visited her doctor, and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share her good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.

“Sir,” she said, “I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone, or I’ll bust.”

She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.

The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added, “But confidentially, I changed cocks.”

The newly pregnant woman responded, “Confidentially … me, too.”

Smokin’ Ladies

Two old ladies are standing outside smoking together when it begins to rain. One of the women pulls a condom out of her purse, snips off the tip, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second old lady is very impressed and asks where to get one.

“It’s a condom,” the first old lady replies. “You can buy a box at any drugstore.”

So the next day, the old woman goes to the drugstore and tells the clerk she wants to buy a box of condoms. The clerk eyes her strangely, but thought what the heck, every age group is allowed a little fun. He then proceeds to ask her what size she needs.

“Oh, I don’t know …” the old woman says. “As long as it fits a camel, I’ll be happy.”

How to make a Horse Laugh and Cry

Back in wild west days, men gave great attention to their horses’ states of mind. Some had horses that they believed could laugh or cry, depending on what was said to them. A saloon operator was one of these. He was able to make his horse “Jason” laugh or cry on occasion. People around town heard about this phenomenon but didn’t believe the bartender could actually bring it off.

So the bartender, tiring of their criticism, staged a contest in which he offered a generous reward to anyone who could make his horse laugh and cry: $1,000 to anyone who can make Jason laugh; $5,000 to anyone who can make Jason cry. He posted the notice in his bar and waited.

One day a stranger rode into town, bought himself a drink, and read the poster with interest. The stranger was known as a “horse whisperer” and he apparently had powers to communicate verbally with horses. So the stranger entered the contest, paying his five dollar fee and retiring to the stable out back to try to make Jason laugh. Pretty soon, several townspeople who were witnessing this attempt shouted with excitement. The stranger was making Jason laugh his head off. The bartender saw this happen, and declared the stranger the winner.

Then the stranger asked the people to step aside while he took Jason around the corner, in his effort to make Jason cry. In a moment, Jason was heard to make horrible sobbing sounds, and the townspeople who witnessed this were filled with admiration for the stranger, as was the bartender, who heard Jason crying and ran to witness the act. The stranger won both prizes, and was proud of himself.

So the bartender treated the stranger to a nice drink in his saloon, but had to ask the obvious question. “How did you make Jason laugh?” The stranger replied, “I whispered in his ear the following: ‘My dong is bigger than yours.'” Jason burst into spontaneous laughter.

“But how did you make Jason cry?” asked the bartender.

“It was easy,” said the stranger. “I took him around the corner out back there and showed him my dong.”

Half-a-Head

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, “There’s some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.” As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir.”

“Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota?” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really,” replied the manager, “My wife is from Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “No kidding! What team did she play for?”

Meeting the Pope

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel — it was great!

They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”

“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?

Blonde Rider

A blonde decides to try horse back riding, even though she’s had no lessons nor prior riding experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into action, galloping along at a steady and rhythmic pace.

The blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror she grabs the horse’s mane but cannot seem to get a firm grasp. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse to get to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head strikes the ground over and over.

She is mere moments from passing out when the Wal-mart manager sees her and shuts off the horse.

… And Laugh About It

The patron at a bar bet the barkeep 25 dollars that he can bite his own eye. The barkeep reluctantly decides to take the obviously drunk patron just to teach him a lesson.

So, the drunk takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. After paying up, the barkeep agrees to double or nothing that he can bite his other eye with the added provision that he keeps his teeth in. So he pulls his glass eyeball out, puts it between his lips and bites it.

The now furious barkeep pays off the second bet of 50 dollars when the drunk offers him a chance to recoup his losses with still another proposition, that he can piss from one end of the bar to the glass at the other end. The twice-bitten bartender surveys the 30 foot long bar and just KNOWS it can’t be done. Sure enough, the drunk pulls out his drainhose and merely splatters urine across the counter. The relieved barkeep laughs and collects his money, cleans off the counter and asks why he made such a stupid bet when he was clearly ahead.

“Oh, I bet the guys in the back 500 dollars that I could pee all over your counter and you’d laugh about it.”

Precious Fluids

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back they were a few miles from home when their car ran out of gas. They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the cloth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas. The driver of the truck said he would gladly drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or can.

One of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan and asked the driver if he could use that. He said yes, and proceeded to drain a couple quarts of gas into the pan. He waved goodbye to the nuns and left.

The nuns were carefully pouring the precious fluid into their gas tank when the highway patrol came by.

The trooper stopped and watched for a minute, then he said: “Sisters, I don’t think it will work, but I surely do admire your faith!”