Sick of Blonde Jokes

Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do … I memorized all the state capitals.”

One of the guys, of course, said “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?”

“N.” she answered.

Keys Locked in Car

A colleague had left work, started driving off, and remembered he’d left his jacket in the office. He stopped the car, locked the door, and ran back to the office to get the jacket.

When he returned to his car, he realised that he’s locked the keys inside the car, and lights were on and the engine was ticking over. He ran back to the office for help.

His car was a Ford Fiesta, which could be opened in seconds with a piece of packing tape (I knew, because I had the same model).

As it happened, we’d had a delivery that day, and there was packing tape all over. I picked up a length, and went with him to the car. I had the door open in seconds. My colleague, who wasn’t the quickest brain on the planet, was mightily impressed.

“Do you mind if I keep that?” he asked.

“Sure,” I said, “it’s only a bit of rubbish.”

“Great,” he replied. “I’ll keep it in the glove compartment in case I do that again!”

Motor Mechanic Class

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. Time for the practical exam came around and he prepared carefully and completed the exam. When the results came back, he was surprised to find he had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe!”

The Traffic Stop

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked, “Did I just see you swallow something?”

“Yep, that was my birth control pill” said the driver.

“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.

“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed.”

AWOL

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL, so a search party was dispatched immediately.

After a few hours, the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes nearby. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.

The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”

The recruit replied, “On my first day here, you issued me a comb and then proceeded to cut my hair off. On the second day, you issued me a toothbrush and then sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull out my teeth. Finally, on the third day, you issued me a jock strap … and I wasn’t about to wait around to find out what would follow that, Sir.”

Bar Room Conversation

“First,” said the good looking man, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose.”

“Oh no you’re not,” said the beautiful blonde girl.

“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.” He went on to say.

“Oh no you’re not.” replied the blonde firmly.

“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”

“Oh no you’re not.” She adamantly countered.

“Then I’m going to make mad, passionate love to you.”

“Oh no you’re not” she stubbornly retorted.

“And I’m not going to wear a condom either!” said the hadsome guy.

“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.

What Did Santa Say?

It was with particular urgency that little Johnny dragged his mother to the toy department of a big Sydney department store at Christmas.

Mother quickly steered Johnny into the line of children waiting to talk to Santa, but Johnny was far more interested in the hobby horse. As soon as his mother relaxed her vigilance for a moment, Johnny vanished from the Santa Queue and began rocking back and forth on the hobby horse.

His mother noticed his absence, and after a quick, frantic search, spotted him on the horse. She let him rock for a few minutes, then told him it was time to get off. Johnny ignored her. She began to beg; Johnny paid no attention. She began to make promises of chocolates, etc., if only Johnny would get off the hobby horse. He stuck his nasty little tongue out at her.

Then Santa himself, who had been watching this little family drama out of the corner of his eye, stepped over and said to Johnny’s mother, “Perhaps I can persuade your son to co-operate.”

“I doubt that,” said the mother, “But you’re welcome to try.”

Santa, with a big smile, whispered quietly into Johnny’s ear. Johnny’s eyes grew very large, he quickly slid off the horse and took his mother’s hand.

Together, with no fuss, they left the store. As they drove home, Mama asked Johnny what Santa had whispered to him. Johnny was silent. Mama began offering bribes (toys and Chocolate cake) if Johnny would only tell Mama what Santa’s words were.

Johnny turned pale and wouldn’t utter a word. What had Santa said?

Johnny’s mother was determined to find out. She had never been able to get the kid to obey that easily, and decided it was worth a great deal of effort on her part to discover what magic Santa Claus had used on Johnny. She continued to bribe him with a soft voice and much cajolery, and Johnny’s stubborn streak finally faded. What did Santa say?

Johnny now answered: “He said, ‘Listen, you little son of a bitch, if you don’t climb your ass the hell down off that horse right this second, I’m going to kick the living piss out of you!'”

The 10th Child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and softly says to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have hoped for, and your answer cannot take that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for a moment, then she said, “Yes, yes he did.”

The old man was shaken. The reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he expected.

With a tear in his eye, he asked, “Who?, Who was he? Who was the father?”

Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first, as she tried to muster the courage to tell her husband the truth.

Then, finally, she says, “You.”

Ink Blot Test

A fellow is lying on the couch undergoing a test by the psychiatrist.

The shrink creates a blot of ink on a piece of paper, then holds it up for the patient to see, then asks, “What do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink creates another ink blot picture, then holds it up to the patient to see, and again asks, “Now, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

Finally, the shrink makes another picture and asks, “NOW, what do you see?”

The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”

The shrink puts his ink and paper to one side and says, “Well, I think I know what your problem is: you simply have a dirty mind.”

And the patient says, “YOU’RE the one showing me all those dirty pictures!”