Last Halloween, a young boy with his front teeth missing showed up for a Trick-or-Treat. I asked him what was he dressed up as. He says “I’m a birate.”
“You are a what?”
“A birate!”
“Oh, a PIRATE! Well, where are your buccaneers?”
The kid gives me a startled look and says “on my buckin’ head!”
A fellow is lying on the couch undergoing a test by the psychiatrist.
The shrink creates a blot of ink on a piece of paper, then holds it up for the patient to see, then asks, “What do you see?”
The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”
The shrink creates another ink blot picture, then holds it up to the patient to see, and again asks, “Now, what do you see?”
The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”
Finally, the shrink makes another picture and asks, “NOW, what do you see?”
The patient says, “I see a nude woman.”
The shrink puts his ink and paper to one side and says, “Well, I think I know what your problem is: you simply have a dirty mind.”
And the patient says, “YOU’RE the one showing me all those dirty pictures!”
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The manager tells him he has just what he’s looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas Carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn’t seem to be much for singing.
The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The pet store manager lights the lighter and holds it under Chet’s left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing “Silent Night.”
The man becomes very impressed with Chet’s singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet’s right foot. Chet now starts singing “Jingle Bells.”
The man says that Chet is perfect and that he’ll take him.
He rushes home to his wife, and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain his special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet’s left foot and the bird sings “Silent Night” again. He then moves the lighter under Chet’s right foot and again Chet lets loose with a round of “Jingle Bells.”
The wife is terribly impressed, and with a mischievous grin, asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet’s legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lit lighter between the bird’s legs, and the bird begins to sing …
Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire.
More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fella walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.” So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles”. So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said “Shingles.” So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, “Shingles.”
The doctor said, “Where?”
He said, “Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?”
There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Alley’s Grocery Store. I don’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger. One day I was there when they did that, and after Junior grabbed the nickel, Lamar and I got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”
He looked at Lamar and me and said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help. “The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.” said the nun.
“Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel'”.
A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he kept repeating to himself, “Please, God, don’t make me late. Please, God don’t make me late.”
When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said, “Jesus Christ, you didn’t have to push me.”
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”
“Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”
The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”
The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”
Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”
Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”
The only thing the IRS hasn’t taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that …
40% of the time, it’s hanging around unemployed;
20% of the time it’s pissed off;
30% of the time it’s hard up; and,
10% of the time it’s in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.
Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form:
10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax —> $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax –> $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax –>$15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax –> $5.00
Please Note:
NO CHARGE FOR UNDER FOUR INCHES. EXTENSIONS NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE. OVER 12 INCHES MUST FILE CAPITAL GAINS.