Tag: Story


Knowing It All

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a
particular component of the machine and proudly stated, “This is where your problem is.”

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired (again) in peace.

If Operating Systems Ran Airlines

DOS Airlines

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then jumps on and lets the plane coast until it hits the ground again, then push again, jump on again and so on.

DOS with QEMM Airlines

The same thing but with more leg room to push.

MAC Airlines

All the stewards, stewardesses, captains, baggage handlers and ticket agents look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are told you don’t need to know, don’t want to know, and everything will be done for you without you having to know, so just shut up.

OS/2 Airlines

To board the plane, you have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form showing where you want to sit and whether it should look and feel like an ocean liner, a passenger train, or a bus. If you succeed in getting on board the plane and the plane succeeds in getting off the ground, you have a wonderful trip … except times when the rudder and flaps get frozen in position, in which case you have time to say your prayers and get yourself prepared before the crash.

WINDOWS Airlines

The airport terminal is nice and colourful, with friendly stewards and stewardesses, easy access to the plane, and an uneventful takeoff … then the plane blows up without warning whatsoever.

NT Airlines

Everyone marches out on the runway, says the password in unison and forms the outline of a plane. Then they all sit down and make a whooshing sound like they’re flying.

UNIX Airlines

Everyone brings one piece of the plane with them when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing constantly about what kind of plane they are building.

Aliens and the Gas Pump

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach. The first one says “Earthling take me to your leader!”

He gets no response. The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. “Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!”

Still no response. The first Alien then turns to the second and says “If this Earthling doesn’t show me some respect I’m going to blast him!” The second Alien replies “O.K. but, I’m just going to stand down on the next block.” The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. “Earthling take me to your leader!”

No response. The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump. After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy, He then says to the second Alien “If you knew that was going to happen why didn’t you warn me?”

The second replies, “I didn’t know what was going to happen, but I’m not going to mess with anyone who’s penis can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!”

Farmer’s Bees

A farmer had advertised his farm and was showing it to a prospective buyer. As they walked along a fence line the buyer saw bee hives and stopped. He said, “Those hives are pretty close to the road.”

The farmer explained that the bees just made honey and have never stung anyone. The buyer felt unsure about the sale until he proposed that he be tied to a nearby tree, naked, overnight. If he was stung once he would get the farm for free, but if he wasn’t stung then he would pay the farmer double the price. The farmer agreed and tied the now naked man to the tree.

The next morning the farmer saw the man leaning over and very pale. “Oh no,” the farmer thought, “he got stung and now I have to give him the farm!”

As he reached the man he gently shook him and asked where he got stung and if he needed a doctor.

“No, no, I’m okay I guess,” gasped the naked man. “I have no choice, do I? I’ll pay you double for the farm … but doesn’t that calf have a mother?”

Singing Butt

This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “… On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again …”

Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.

“Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “… On the road again …”

The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked.

“Are you kidding?” says the morgue attendant, “Any asshole can sing country music!”

Old MacDonald Had a What?

Two Auburn football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, “Old MacDonald had a _________.”

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn’t watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. “Pssst. Tiny. What’s the answer to the last question?” Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn’t noticed then he turned to Bubba. “Bubba, you’re so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm.

“Oh yeah,” said Bubba. “I remember now.” He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny’s shoulder again, he whispered, “Tiny, how do you spell farm?”

“You are really dumb, Bubba. That’s so easy. Farm is spelled – E-I-E-I-O.”

Ode to the Turkey

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;

“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,

“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;

“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;

“And then comes the worst part” he said not bluffing,
“She’ll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing”.

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said “Christmas is coming …”

— Author Unknown

Keeping Myself Pure

A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move. “No thank you,” she said politely.”

“This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”

“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.

“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”

Coffee and a Blow Job

The Pilot of the plane has just finished his announcements about how high the plane is, etc. He forgets to turn off the intercom system and says to his co-pilot, “Right about now I could really use a good blow job and a cup of coffee.”

The whole plane hears it and a stewardess rushes from the back of the plane to tell the pilot the intercom is still on. As she rushes by, one of the passengers says, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

A Penis

When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!'”