Tag: Story


I Need a Man

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me … my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, I can’t prescribe …”

“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand?

“JUST one.”

“I don’t know, doc; she’s awfully cold …”

“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um … okay.”

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, “I … need … a man …”

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me … too …”

The Battle of the Bobbitt Hillbillies

Come and listen to my story about a man named John.
A poor Ex-Marine with a little fraction gone.
It seems one night after getting with the wife
She lopped off his Dong with the swipe of a knife.
PENIS, That is.
Clean Cut.
Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there’s a Ginsu by his side And Lorena’s in the car taking Willie for a ride
She soon got tired of her puple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she came around a bend
CURVE, that is
Tossed the Nub.
In the Shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack
And they called out the hounds just to get his Weenie back
They sniffed and they barked and they pointed “over there!”
To John Wayne’s henry that was waiving in the air.
FOUND, that is
By a Fence.
Evidence.

Now Peter and John couldn’t stay apart too long
So a Dick Doc said, “Hey I can fix that dong.”
A needle and a thread is all we’re gonna need
And the whole world waited ’til they heard that Johnny peed
WHIZZED, That is
Even Seam,
Straight Stream

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
with a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short
They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape
And his pecker was the only thing they didn’t show on tape
VIDEO, that is
Unexposed.
Case Closed.

Ya’ll sleep on Your Stomachs Now, Ya hear

Suppositories

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly the man screams. “What’s the matter?” asked his wife. “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies the man, “but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders.”

Dead Blonde

A blonde walked into a barber shop wearing headphones and carrying a walkman. When the barber was ready for her, he asked her to please remove the headphones.

The blonde, however, replied, “No, I’d just die without them.”

With this, the barber proceeded to cut her hair around her headphones. A few weeks later, the blonde returned with the same headphones and the same walkman and even the same clothes, but her hair looked a little funny. Again, when the barber asked her to remove the headphones, she replied, “but I’d just die without them.”

The barber decided he’d let her have her own way and cut her hair again around the headphones. Yet again, a couple of weeks later, the blonde walked in with the same headphones, the same walkman and the same clothes and asked for a haircut. This time, the barber insisted that she remove her headphones. The blonde complied and removed her headphones. After about a minute, she keeled over and died. This made the barber curious about the headphones, so he put them on and pressed play.

He heard … “Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.”

Doctor Visit

A young hillbilly and his new bride wanted desperately to start a family, but they didn’t know what they had to do to have children. So, they decided to visit a doctor.

With a great deal of embarrassment, the young man explained their situation. The doctor took out his charts and books for adolescents and carefully explained the birds and the bees. The two looked bewilderedly at each other, then at the doctor.

The doctor attempted to explain in various ways and terms the ins and outs of human reproduction. The same result.

Finally, exasperated, the doctor laid the bride on the examination table, removed all her clothing, and had intercourse with her.

He then turned to the young hillbilly and asked, “Now do you understand?”

“Yes, doctor,” the hillbilly responded, “but just one question.”

Slapping his forehead in total disbelief, the doctor squawked, “Yes, what is it now?”

How often do I have to bring her in?”

Halloween Party

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she wasn’t going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?” He replied, I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to …”

Pain Transfer

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father of the baby.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and pulse, and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.