Tag: Story


Valentine

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”

“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.

“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”

It is Hard Being a Dick

It’s hard being a dick.

I have a head I can’t think with.

An eye I can’t see out of.

I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.

And alot of times I just have to hang in there.

But, sometimes, when I am let free, I barf all over the whole damned place.

And now that I have AIDS and my whole fu*king life is waisting away I have now realized it wasn’t worth it after all.

Lulu’s Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some. “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”………

The policeman fainted.

One Simple Wish

An Asian, an Afghan, and an American were each granted three wishes.

The Asian was first so he said, “I wish I were the richest person in my country.” BOOM, he was the richest person in his country.

Next, it was the Afghan’s turn. He said, “I wish there was a wall around my country so no one could go in and no one could go out.” BOOM, there was a wall around his country.

Next, was the American’s turn. He thought and thought really hard. He said “Fill it up with water.” BOOM.

Bedtime Fart Story

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few
minutes the man cuts a fart.

His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”

The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, 7 nothing.”

A few minutes later the wife lets one loose.

The man says to her, “What was that?”

She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”

The man lays there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he
craps in bed.

The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?”

He replies, “Halftime, switch sides.”

Miscommunication Between Women and Men

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball … stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

“What did you do?”, asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey, this looks like yours!”

White House Affairs

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.”

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”

Hillary just shook her head. Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”

Heavenly Balloons.

Little Johnny walks into his mother’s room and catches her topless. “Mommy, mommy, what are those?” he asks pointing to her breasts.

“Well, son, these are balloons, and when you die, they inflate and float you up to heaven.”

Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.

Two days later…

While his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. “Mommy, mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!,” he says. “What do you mean?” asks his mother.

“Well, she’s out in the garden shed, lying on the floor with both of her balloons out. Daddy is trying to blow them up for her and she keeps yelling, God, I’m coming! God, I’m coming!”

Tiger Puzzle

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says: “Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to start it.”

Her friend asks, “What is it a puzzle of?”

The blonde says, “From the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The blonde’s friend figures that he’s pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: “First, no matter what I do, I’m not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger.”

“Second, I’d advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”