Tag: Story


Following Directions

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!!”

The man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.”

The agent said, “Then you are not the right man for this job.”

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes, take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Miracle Bunny

A friend of mine was out hunting a few years back and, as chance would have it, on the way home he ran over a bunny rabbit. Since it was right in front of a large farmhouse, he thought he’d stop and make sure it wasn’t a pet. The farmer was sitting on the porch, and had seen the whole incident.

My friend asked if the rabbit had been a pet. The farmer said that it wasn’t, but he also said that he had something that might help the poor thing out. He went into his house and came out a moment or two later with a little jar. He went out to the rabbit and poured a little on its head.

Sure enough, the bunny opened it eyes and got up. It hopped a little ways down the road and turned around and waved at the farmer and my friend. Then it hopped on down the road a little further, and turned and waved again. This hop and wave action was repeated until the bunny hopped out of sight over a hill.

Of course, my friend was more than a little amazed! What’s in that bottle?, he asked the farmer.

Just a little hair restorer with permanent wave!

Complimentary Peanuts

A business traveller has stopped at the hotel lounge at the end of the day to have a drink before heading to his room. After ordering his drink, he just sits back and takes a sip when he hears a voice say, “My, that’s a nice haircut.” The man looks around and doesn’t notice anyone nearby, shrugs his shoulders, and turns back to his drink.

A few minutes later the man hears the voice again say, “That’s really a nice shirt.” Again the man looks around for the owner of the voice and doesn’t see anyone. The man shakes his head thinking he’s just tired, and calls the bartender over to pay for his drink & return to his room.

The bartender walks over and notices that the man is looking around him with a confused look on his face and asks the man what was wrong. “I guess I’m more tired than I thought, because I’m hearing voices.” The bartender just smiles at the man, “You are hearing voices. It’s coming from the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”

Excited at his Return

One day Little Johnny was playing in his room when his Dad came up to talk to him. Johnny’s Dad explained to Johnny that he and Mommy were getting a divorce.

“Why Daddy, why?” Johnny asked, confused.

“Well,” explained Johnny’s Dad, “Your mother and I are no longer in love.”

Even more confused, Johnny asks, “What does being in love mean?”

“Well Johnny,” replied Dad, “let me give you an example. A Father is coming home from work, and his wife is as anxious and excited to meet him as he is when he gets home. So they both embrace and kiss at the door, right when they meet. That’s love, but Mommy and me have lost that.”

“But Daddy, I see mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home,” Explained Johnny, “That means she must still be in love with you.”

“I don’t understand Johnny,” asked Johnny’s Dad, “Mommy gets excited?”

“Well, sometimes when Mommys still sleeping in the bed with the postman and you pull in to the driveway, I can hear her wake up and shout at the top of her lungs, ‘Oh my god, my husband’s home! My husband’s home!'”

Religious Children

A four-year-old Catholic boy was playing with a 4-year-old Protestant girl in a plastic wading pool in the back yard. They splashed a lot of water on each other; their clothes were soaking wet, so they decide to take off the wet clothes. The little boy looked at the little girl and said, “Golly, I didn’t know there was that much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”

Dumb Blonde

There is this blonde in a middle of a corn field sitting in a medium size row boat, just rowing away. Corn husks flying everywhere.

Another blonde driving down the back road sees this blonde in the row boat. So pissed off, the blonde pulls over to the side of the road.

The blonde from the car yells out, “Hey you … Hey you the Blonde in the boat!”

The blonde in the row boat looks up and sees the blonde yelling from the road trying to listen to what she is saying.

The blonde from the car, yelling at the blonde in the corn field notices that she has her attention yells back at her, “You know it’s dumb ass blondes like you that gives us blondes a bad name … and you know, if I could swim, I would come out there and beat your ass!”

S&M

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

Children’s Sermon

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the childrens sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”

How to Kill an Eel

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother.

Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick … a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST! anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

“Anyway”, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go … I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel … I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats … they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it
was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.

Mother fainted.