First Golfer: ” I was playing with Harry Schwartz yesterday. He was hitting the ball so badly that on the 12th hole — you know, the water hole — he really blew it. Throwing his clubs into the lake, he jumped in after them shouting “I’m going to kill myself”.
Second Golfer: “What happened?”
First Golfer: “Nothing … He couldn’t keep his head down.”
A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can.
The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about two inches from the hole.
As they walked up to the green the Pro said, “Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.”
The man said, “Why didn’t you say that when we were on the tee.”
This bloke goes to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell. The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his bum. He pulls them out and can’t resist toting up the value of the coins.
“Well”, says the doctor, “I’ve found $1999.99 up your bum.”
“Hmmm,” replies the patient, “That would explain why I’ve not been feeling too grand …”
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her God damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My God damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts, “Theme Party Come as a Human Emotion.”
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” and the guy says, “I’m green with envy.” The host replies, “Brilliant, come on in and have a drink.”
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman “Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?” And she replies, “I’m tickled pink.” The host says, “I love it, come on in and join the party.”
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two blokes from Jamaica, stark naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, “What the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?”
The first guy replies, “Well, I’m f*cking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair.”
It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnnie.
As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnnie, however, did extremely well he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnnie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.
That evening, Johnnie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.
“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”
Jimmy Fuck had recently found out about sex and wanted to try it on his friend Melissa Pee. He went to her house and asked if he could have sex with her and she said, “No.”
So, the next day he went to her house with her favorite cookies, chocolate chip, and said to her, “I’ll give you this whole batch of cookies if you let me have sex with you.”
She said, “Well I guess so.”
So he procedes to have sex with her, when just then Melissa Pee’s mother walks in. She starts yelling and says, “Melissa Pee!”
She replies, “I can’t, I can’t!”
Her mother screams again and says, “Jimmy Fuck!”
He yells back “I am, I am.”
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” said the teacher.
“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”
“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘The Act.’
Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !”