Tag: Story


Hell

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil …

The Devil: Why so glum?

Guy: Why do you think? I’m in hell.

The Devil: Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here … You a drinking’ man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

The Devil: Well you’re gonna love Mondays. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, beer … we drink until we throw up and then we drink some more! It doesn’t matter because you’re already dead!

Guy: Gee that sounds great.

The Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: Yes

The Devil: You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If you get cancer – who cares! You’re already dead!

Guy: Wow!

The Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

The Devil: Wednesdays you can gamble all you want … blackjack, roulette, poker, whatever … If you lose your shirt … who cares!

Guy: Amazing!

The Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: You don’t mean …

The Devil: Yes, Thursdays are drug days. Help yourself to a great all the drugs that your want! Who cares … you’re dead!

Guy: I never realized Hell was such a swingin’ place!!

The Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

The Devil: Ooooh – you’re gonna hate Fridays …

The After Life

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman’s biggest fear was that there was no heaven. After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

“Mary … Mary …”

“Is that you Fred?”

“Yes, I have come back like we agreed.”

“What is it like?”

“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.”

“Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.”

“Hell no, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”

Not in Heaven

A cattleman from West Texas died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery.

He remarked to the gate keeper, “Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas.”

The gatekeeper replied, “First of all, I’m not Saint Peter … and second, you really don’t know where you are at all, do you?”

Expensive Date

A college student picked up his date at her parents home.

He’d scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne … the works.

Finally he asked her, “Does your Mother feed you like this at home?”

“No,” she said, “but my Mother’s not looking to get laid.”

Birds and Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

Maturity

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large breasts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large breasts, but there was no passion. So I decided that I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, she cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So then I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable, and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After graduation, I found a smart, ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with large breasts.

Love and Marriage

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “they’re for the funeral.”

GirlFriend Issues

I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay.

GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right — as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented”.

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate & Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fianc

English Teacher

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.

She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room sks, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says:

“Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with.”

A Fairy Tale

Cinderella was all upset she couldn’t go to the ball. But then, her fairy godmother appeared and said “You can go to the ball on two conditions.”

“Great! I’ll do anything!” said Cinderella.

“Ok” said the fairy godmother “The first condition is … you have to wear a diaphragm”

“No problem” said Cinderella.

“The second condition,” continued the fairy godmother, “if you’re not home by midnight, your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin”

“Yikes” said Cinderella, “I’ll be home by midnight”. So midnight comes and goes, and finally it’s 3 a.m.

Cinderella is just getting home, looking extremely satisfied. “Where have you been?! Your diaphragm should’ve turned into a pumpkin hours ago!” said her fairy godmother.

“I met a man”, said Cinderella. “His name was Peter Peter something or other …”