Tag: Story


Loose Living

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his news paper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked. “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”

“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow men.”

“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

“I’m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Presidential Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says Clinton, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. “Fantastic,” exclaims Clinton, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”

Noah’s Ark

The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.” And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

“OK,” Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, “I’m your man.”

“Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!”

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

“Noah!” shouted the Lord, “where is My ark?” A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

“Lord, please forgive me!” begged Noah. “I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark’s construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.”

“My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.

Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn’t let me catch them, so no owls.”

“Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind. Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn’t complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.”

“Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe! Right now, I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over how many minorities I’m supposed to hire.”

“The IRS has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don’t think I can finish the ark in less than five years.”

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?,” he asked hopefully.

“No,” said the Lord, “I am too late, the government already has.”

The BBQ

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together. As the wife was pulling weeds, bent over, the husband said, “Honey your butt is getting big. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now”. The husband feels he needs to prove his point and gets a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt. “Yep, he said, just what I thought, about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about a little sex baby?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What the matter?” he asked? To which she replied, “Surely you don’t think I am going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Liverwurst

There was a butcher who lived right on top of his store and one night he heard some wierd noises and tip-toed downstairs and saw he 19-year old daughter masturbating with some liverwurst.

So he went back up stairs shaking his head. The next day a woman asked for some liverwurst and the butcher said they had none. She pointed to the liverwurst hanging and the butcher said “that’s my son in law”.

Hungry Calf

There were these two guys who went fishing, one guy got stung by a bee. “Damn”, he said, “every time I turn around I get stung.” The other guy says, “hell, you could tie me to that tree down there naked and I would never get stung.”

The other guy took him up on it and tied him to a tree naked. He walked back up threw the pasture and crossed the fence and went to the next bar. A couple of hours later the guy remembered his friend he rushed back and he was slumped over out cold.

The guy says, “hey, wake up did ya get stung? did ya get stung?”

The guy was pissed, “NO, YOU son of a bitch doesn’t that calf have a mother?????”

The Blonde That Couldn’t Kill Herself

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

“How did this happen?” the emergency room doctor asked her.

“Well, I was trying to commit suicide,” the blonde replied.

“What?” sputtered the doctor. “You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?”

“No, Silly!” the blonde said. “First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I’m not shooting myself in the chest.”

“So then?” asked the doctor.

“Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.”

“So then?”

“Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger.”

The Talking Baby

There was a mom, a dad, a doctor, and a new born baby.

Well, the doctor was holding the baby when the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my daddy?”

The doctor replies by saying, “No, but I can take you to your Daddy.” The baby said, “O.K.” and the doctor took him to his Daddy.

When the baby was in his Daddy’s arms, the baby poked him in the head and said, “Are you my Daddy?” The father said, “Yes, I’m your Daddy.” Then the baby poked him in the head again and said, “Did you screw my Momma while she was pregnant?” The daddy said, “Yes, yes, I did.” The baby poked him in the head again and asked, “Is this annoying?” The Daddy said, “Yes, it is annoying.” The baby said, “Well, you kept poking me in the head and you know what was worst?” The dad asked, “what?” The baby spit in his dad’s face and said, “you kept spitting in my face!”

Blondes Fishing

These two blondes went fishing. They rented a boat and rowed out into the middle of the lake. They were doing really well-pulling fish in left and right for about 3 hours. One blonde even had to go rent another boat to hold all the fish they were pulling in!!!

“Mark this spot somehow,” one blonde said to the other. “I would like to fish this well again, this seems to be our lucky spot!” she said beaming. The other blonde smiled proudly and replied, “already did, when you went for the second boat!” “Cool!”

So the blondes continued for another couple hours. After that, they got tired, so they turned in the boats and packed up the fish. On the way back to their shared apartment one blonde said curiously, “How’d you mark the spot?”

“I put a BIG ‘x’ mark on the bottom of the boat!”

The other blonde smacked her in the back of the head.

“You idiot!” she exclaimed. “What if we don’t get the same boat?”