Tag: Story


Broom Factory

A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.

He called her into his office, “But why?” he asked.

“Nothin, I just wanna quit that’s all,” she said sullenly.

“Look, I’ll give you a raise.”

“No,” she said.

“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”

“Okay if you must know …” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look, I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you …”

Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, “Ha, ha … my dear, it’s nature. Look, I have it, too …”

“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well.”

Saddam and Clinton

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam’s chair has three buttons on the armrest.

They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Clinton’s chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin.

Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.

Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. “We’ll continue this talk next week in the White House” says the President.

Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton’s chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing … really loudly.

After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.

Saddam doesn’t get it – what the hell is happening here? But he hasn’t been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn’t, he’s rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.

Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: “I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad”

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) – “Baghdad? … What Baghdad?

Jesus in a Bar

An Irishman with a game leg walks into a saloon. He drags his bad leg up to the bar and orders an Irish whiskey. Then he looks around and sees a long-haired, bearded guy in a robe sitting at the end of the bar.

“Is that Christ our Lord?” he asks the bartender.

“Yes it is,” the bartender replies.

“Well, let me buy him an Irish whiskey too” the Irishman responds.

They’re sitting nursing their drinks when a hunchback Italian walks in and orders a glass of Chianti. He too spots Jesus.

“Is that the Son of the Blessed Virgin?” he asks the bartender, and the bartender replies in the affirmative. “Let me catch him a glass of Chianti too,” the Italian offers.

Just then the barroom door bursts open and a fireman swaggers up to the rail. “Gimme a cold one, bartender,” the fire-fighter orders. And, spotting Jesus, he adds, “Hey, is that God’s little boy? Get him a cold one too.”

Jesus eventually finishes his drinks and comes over to the Irishman, the Italian and the fire-fighter to thank them. He touches the Irishman’s shoulder and says thanks, and the fellow’s leg magically is fully functional. The Irishman does a jig in celebration.

Christ then approaches the Italian, thanks him and touches him on the shoulder, and the Italian’s back straightens for the first time in his life.

Then Christ approaches the fire-fighter, but the fire-fighter backs away. “Don’t touch me!” he screams. “I’m on disability!”

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Taking all these things together, he became widely known in India as a: “Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

Cell Phones

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, “Oh, that’s the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?”

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. “A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!”

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. “What on earth are you doing?!” asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies “Waiting for a fax.”

Sex for the Parrot

A woman also had a parrot who was constantly squawking profanity. She consulted a veterinarian, who said that the parrot probably just needed sex, and that he had a female parrot he would rent to the woman for $500.

It was a lot of money, but finally the woman paid. She put the female parrot in her parrot’s cage, and pulled a cover over the cage. Moments later she heard screeching from the cage, and rushed back to find that her bird had the female pinned to the bottom of the cage and was plucking her feathers.

“For five hundred dollars!” shouted the male parrot, “I want you NAKED! NAKED!!!”

Shit Happens

In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form,
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good,
And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.

Board with a Hole

These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?” The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!” The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year. “Okay” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.” The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”