Tag: Story



“Give” Me Your Hand

A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. “Give me your hand!” but the man would not reach up.

Jack elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?”

“I am an income tax inspector,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Jack, “take my hand!”

The man immediately grasped Jack’s hand and was hauled to safety. Jack turned to the amazed by-standers. “Never ask a tax man to ‘give’ you anything, you fools.”

Golf Round

A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.

On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.

At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged three inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.”

“What is it?” asked Mr. Davies.

“Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged six inches into her anal cavity.”

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”

Hunting

Murphy knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

“Pardon me,” said Murphy, “are you game?”

She looked him up and down and seductively said, “Yes.”

So he shot her.

The Old Man’s Penis

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing home. One day he went into the nurses’ office and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful decided to play along with him. “It did? I’m sorry to hear that.” she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, “Mr.Smith I thought you told me your penis died.”

“It did,” he replied, “today is the viewing.”

Playing the Game

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty – thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.”

With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”

Chinese Fishing

One day your dad is fishing at a lake. After a couple of hours he still didn’t catch a fish. Not even a goldfish. Suddenly a Chinese man appears with no fishing tools. He bends over and puts two fingers in the water. In a few seconds a fish gets stuck on his fingers.

Your dad is just watching at this picture. And after a while the Chinese man had enough to feed a whole family. Your dad gets curious and asks the Chinese man how he did that.

The Chinese man says: If you put two fingers of you in your woman, then you will see. You can do this too. So your dad jumps up, gets his fishing tools together and goes home.

When he arrives at home, he sees your mum standing on a ladder cleaning the windows. Your dad sticks two fingers in your mums valley, your mums turns her head and says to your dad: you filthy Chinese man, are you there again

Can’t Cook or Clean

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returns from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning the husband wakes up, showers, dresses and makes his way to the kitchen where he sees his new wife crying.

So the husband inquires, “What’s wrong, Honey?”

“Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can’t cook or clean.”

The husband smiles his biggest smile and says, “There, there sweetie! I don’t care that you can’t cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom and I’ll show you what I’d like for breakfast.”

So off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband comes home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen. “What’s wrong now, Sweetie?”

“Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch and I just can’t cook.”

Again the husband smiles and says, “Why don’t you come back up to the bedroom and I’ll have my lunch there!”

So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband comes home, walks in the house and sees his new bride naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she runs, and WHOOSH down the banister.

After the third trip the husband asks, “What are you doing, Honey?”

“Warming up your supper!” she replies.

Sobbing Old Man

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love … At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.

The young man puts his arm around him. “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”