Tag: Story



Don’t Raise Hogs

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised. My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that, too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Morgan

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese?

Penis Request

The penis request a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
-has to work hard;
-has to work at great depths;
-has to work upside down;
-has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
-has to work in a high humidity environment;
-does not get weekends and holidays off;
-does not get time off after extra hours of work;
-has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

Request Denied
For the following reasons:
-does not work 8 hours in a row;
-does not answer immediately to all requests;
-does not have a degree;
-after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
-show no fidelity to the workplace;
-retires too early;
-does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
-does not leave the workplace clean, after finishing work.

Mental Exercise

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out. It’s pretty cool so follow the instructions and DON’T cheat. There’s no trick or surprise. Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them … really.

Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something) . . .

What is:

1+5

2+4

3+3

4+2

5+1

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself
as fast as you can for 15 seconds. then scroll down.

QUICK!!! THINK OF A VEGETABLE! Then scroll down.

You’re thinking of a carrot right?

If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with “carrot” when given this exercise.

Get a Picture of it

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, “My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe.” The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

“Oh, oh, aaaahhh,” he exclaims, “My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, “MY picture?” He answers, “yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever”. She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, “Why do you wear a robe? We are married now.” At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, “Oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture”. He beams and asks, “Why?” She answers, “SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED!”

I’m Glad I’m a Man

Everyday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don’t shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don’t pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don’t wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don’t take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don’t throw a fit when I break a nail
I don’t buy a lot of shoes just because they’re on sale
I don’t apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don’t think of Bambi when I’m out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don’t ask my friends about the size of my ass

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I’d never leave the house

I don’t spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don’t play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot’s always dry
I don’t read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don’t mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don’t spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don’t take a pill, I don’t use Massengill
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Man, I’m glad I’m a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin’
Man, I’m glad I’m a man

Sex or Christmas?

A couple who are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant are reminiscing about times past. After having mentioned all the wonderful moments of their full and happy life together, the old man says, “You know, I still love the sex we have together, darling.”

After a couple of minutes thinking about this, the wife replies, “Well, yup, me too, but I think I prefer Christmas.”

Somewhat taken aback, the husband retorts, “Don’t you prefer the sex?”

“Difficult to say,” says the old lady, “but Christmas does comes round more often”.

Big Condom

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so one old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette, and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, “Hey, that’s a good idea. What is it that you put over your cigarette?”

The other old lady said, “It’s a condom.”

“A condom? Where do you get those?”

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms.

The pharmacist said, “Yes,” but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, “What size do you want?”

The old lady thought for a minute and said, “One that will fit a Camel.”

Measurements

A young women was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. “Pardon me, sir, but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed”

“Well thank you ma’am. It’s 33 inches”

“Wow, around?”

“No, ma’am. Through.”

“Well, then, sir. What about your waist?”

“It’s 28 inches.”

“Around?”

“No, ma’am. Through.”

“Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your private, ahh, you know.”

“You see, ma’am. It’s 3 inches!”

“Wow,” said the woman. “Through?!”

“No, Ma’am. From the floor!”

Marketing Accounts

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as, “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the “manure stick”.

Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem-Feeling Free”, was translated into the Japanese market as “When smoking Salem, you will feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read English.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave,” in Chinese.

Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate.”

When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”.