Tag: Story


Legal Questioning

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

100 Camels

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists, an Arab salesman approached them loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered … “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Stupid Farmhand

“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying … 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this 25 year old story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

Out Playing Golf

One Day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

Moses decided to go first. He hammered his shot straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses and said, “Hey Moses, that was a pretty good show. Now let me see what I can do.” Jesus took his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus’ ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of the ball dropping into the water, it bounced on top of the water, rolled up on the green only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!” No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth, the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “Man! I hate it when your Dad plays along!”

Little Soldier

Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and polite. One day while she was taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said, “Oh, Mr Smith, did you know that your barracks door is open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a
soldier standing at attention?” She was quite witty. “Why no, Mr. Smith,” she replied, “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”

Texas in Heavan

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

“Show me what you got, Pete,” said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

“We’ve got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch,” said Tex. St. Peter flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

“We’ve got that, too. We call it Six Flags,” said Tex.

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

“We don’t have that,” said Tex, “but we’ve got a guy in Houston who can put it out.”

Virgin Nuns

A visiting priest was getting the grand tour of the convent, led by one of the sisters. They go into a room with four portraits.

“Who is this?” asks the padre.

“Oh, that’s the Virgin of Guadalupe.”

“And this portrait?”

“That is the beautiful Virgin of Asissi.”

“Who is this third one?”

“That is the Virgin of Ishia.”

“And the final portrait, what virgin is she?”

“Oh, that’s no virgin, that’s the Mother Superior.”

Memory Loss

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”

The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”

The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”

Where Are We?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are … very slowly?”

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”

Fruitcake Recipe

You’ll need the following:

1 C water
1 C sugar
4 large eggs
2 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.

Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK.

Cry another tup.

Turn off the mixer.

Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt.

Or something.

Who cares.

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner.

Throw the bowl out of the window.

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed.

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?