Chinese couple gets married – and she’s a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: “My darring, I know dis you firs time and you flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”
“I wanna numma 69”, she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says, “You wanna beef wit broccorri?”.
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked. He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.” The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you”.
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.” The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If get burritos one more time, I’m going to jump off too.” The blond opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.”
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also.
At the funeral the Irishman’s wife is weeping. She says, “If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again! The Mexican’s wife also weeps and says, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. “Hey, don’t look at me,” she said. “He makes his own lunch.”
To prepare for his big date with a blonde hottie, a young man went to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his “tool of the trade.”
This young man was determined not to miss this date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.
The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a homecooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man’s sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured himself a tall, cool, glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced an immediate relief of his pain.
The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in the glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, “So that’s how you guys load those things!”
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, bed-wetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a “Bill of No Rights.”
ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.
ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII:
You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and educational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness – which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car. “I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”
“And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back. “Let go!”
A ventriloquist was walking on the street, when he saw an old Indian sitting on the side with his dog, his horse and his sheep. He thought it would be good idea to have a little fun with that Indian.
So he went to the Indian and asked him:
– “Would you mind if I talked a few words with your dog?”
– “Dog doesn’t talk!
So the ventriloquist said to the dog:
– “Hello, how are you doing? Is your master treating you well?”
– “Oh yes, He gives me enough food every day, walks with me every few hours, and he often plays with me!”
The Indian was very astonished. Then the ventriloquist asks:
– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your horse?”
– “Horse doesn’t talk!”
So he says to the horse:
– “Hello! How are you? Is your master treating you well?”
– “Oh yes, he gives me enough food, rides me every day and gives me a nice warm place to sleep.”
The Indian is completely stunned.
Then the ventriloquist says:
– “Would you mind if I talked a few words to your sheep?”
– “Sheep lies!”
Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 A.M.
Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, “33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Well there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an “armed robbery” but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break. At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, “Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana.” Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.
A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, “So, where ya’ll from?”
The Northern girl said, “From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.”
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, “So, where ya’ll from, bitch?”
While undressing for bed one night, ol’ Bill notices something like a red rash around his penis. Alarmed, he thinks, “I can’t let Hillary see this!” and makes a point of getting to his doctor at Bethesda Naval Hospital the very next day.
“Doc” he says, “I’ve got this red ring around my, you know. What is it and how do I get rid of it”? The doctor says, “Well, I’m not exactly sure what it is but take these pills for a week and see if that takes care of it. If not, come back and we’ll try something else.”
Bill takes the pills for the week but,unfortunately, the red ring is still there after seven days. He goes back to his doctor and tells him that the pills hadn”t helped. So the doctor prescribes another medication, capsules this time, and gives him the same instructions, “take them for a week and come back if it’s not improved.”
Bill takes the capsules for a week and damn the red ring is still there.
So he goes back to his doctor and asks, “What next”? The doctor gives him a cream in a tube this time. “Rub this on every day for a week and let me know”.
Bill goes back in a week and says, “Great news, doc! The rash is gone!
That stuff in the tube was wonderful. What was it”? The doctor replied, “lipstick remover”