Tag: Story


Computer Gender

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer”?

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Car Trouble

A woman’s car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs.

It’s not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, “What the h*** is going on here?”

“My car broke down,” says the lady, calmly.

“Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?” screams the cop.

“Those are my emergency flashers!” replied the blonde.

The Talking Clock

A man was showing some friends his apartment. One guest asked, “What’s that big brass basin for?”

“That’s the talking clock,” answered the man.

He gave it an ear shattering pound with a hammer.

Suddenly, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, “Knock it off! Don’t you know that it’s 2 a.m., you asshole?!”

Jewish Wedding

A Jewish father, Moisha, was beset by his eldest son Yitzak, “Father, I am going to marry!” His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila. “Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”

“O’Brien” replies the son. “She’s Catholic.”

“Oy!” says the father. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy,” says the son.

“Ok, as long as you’re happy. My blessings to you both,” replies Moisha. But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.

Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening, “Father, I too will be married soon!” Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God’s praises, “What is her name?” implores the father.

“Kazalopodopolous,” says the son. “She’s Greek Orthodox.”

“Oy,” says Moisha. “But are you happy?”

“I’m happy, Father.”

“Ok, then you, too, have my blessing,” intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray, “Please God, let my remaining son Chutzpah marry a nice Jewish girl, to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes. PLEASE!”

Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims, “Father! I am to wed in the spring!”

“Her NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?” his father immediately demands.

“Goldberg!” says Chutzpah!

Moisha is beside himself with joy! “Praise God! Praise the Prophets!” Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, “Is she Doctor Goldberg’s daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?”

“No,” says Chutzpah.

“Hmmm,” says Moisha. “Must be Attorney Goldberg’s daughter Rachel from Hollywood?”

“Ah no, father.” says Chutzpah.

“Well, then, what is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?

“Whoopi,” says Chutzpah.

News Story

A reporter goes way up into the hills of West Virginia to write an article about the area. He meets an old man in a small town and asks him about any memorable events in his life.

The old man says, “Well, one time my favourite sheep got lost, so me and my neighbours got some moonshine and went looking for it. We looked and looked and finally found the sheep. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, started screwing the sheep. It was a lot of fun!”

The reporter figured he can’t write an article about that, so he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said, “Well, one time my neighbour’s wife got lost, so me and all the village men got some moonshine and went out looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her. Then we drank the moonshine and one by one, screwed the neighbour’s wife. Now, THAT was a lot of fun!”

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he couldn’t write articles about those stories and asked him if he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his face said, “Well, one time I was lost …”

The Infertility Problem

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husband’s infertility problem. The doctor says just give your husband these pills in his next meal and standback.

The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, “just put two of these in my husband dinner tonight”.

As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.

As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen.

The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on. The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and crys, “I don’t know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up”.

Equestrian Cop

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” The Kid says, “Yeah.”

The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike.” The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?” Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”

The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”

Branded

A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.

“How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

“Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.

“Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

“No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?”

Flash Cards

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asks “Does anyone know what this is?”

Sandy responds, “I know, I know! It’s a picture of a breast and my Mommy has two of them!”

The teacher says, “Very good Sandy, you get a star.”

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It’s a picture of a penis. She asks, “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Tommy says, “I know, I know! It’s a penis and my Daddy has two of them!!”

The teacher says, “Well, Tommy, it is a penis, but your daddy can’t have two of them.”

Tommy says, “Yes he does! He’s got a little one that he pisses out of, and a great big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with!”

Who’s Who

One morning, a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before, they had played a game called “Who’s Who,” in which each of the men had put their “equipment” through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity.

“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the mailman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”

“You should have been,” the housewife informed him. “Your name came up three times.”