I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g. “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: (I kid you not)
“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”
You gotta love people who can turn a tragedy into at least a little humor.
After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray painted their homes or put up signs claiming:
“For Sale: Fixer Upper” or “OPEN HOUSE.”
However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton’s visit, put a sign in his yard saying:
“HEY BILL, HOW’S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?”
Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.
A baby was born so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the Doctor. “Are you my Doctor?” he asked. “Yes,I am.” the Doctor replied. The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”
He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes I am.”She said. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” he said.
He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?” “Yes I am.” his father answered. The baby motioned him close. Then the baby poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”
A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up, nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down, Nuts!” And they all sat.
After a home run he yelled, “Cheer, nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well … everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”
“Yeah, sure. So?” said the officer.
“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, “Get weighed.” So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.
Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Diana’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.
“Wousy!” Diana replied.
An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of God they were,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Him, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”
“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”
“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.
“Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”
Name:______________ Stage name:________________
Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________
Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female
If female, indicate breast implant size: ____
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___
Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)
Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead
Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.
TEST
If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).
In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?
In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.
Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.
Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.
If none, please explain: __________________.
Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.
When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?
********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bullet-proof
window on your left.